What is necessary in a marriage ceremony?

Since we’re only talking about the ceremony itself, we’ll not go into the legal aspects. That’s another blog.

What is actually necessary is for the man to want to marry that woman, for the woman to want to marry that man and to agree for it to happen right then. That’s it. The rest of it is fluff.

That means that you get to have the whole, entire ceremony exactly as you want to have it. Fluff means you can play with “the rules”. You can be as solemn, as dignified, as creative and unique as you wish; even inject humor! Your only limits are if you belong to a particular church, religion, or sect that has specific rituals or wording that must be adhered to in the rules of that organization.

When you plan your own wedding ceremony, you can have a favorite person do a reading, sing or play a song, write your own meaningful vows, incorporate other ceremonies with the service (see my list under “Additional Ceremonies”), do a dance, release birds or balloons, have a theme wedding and include costumes for the bridal party or for everyone.

If you’re not sure of what you want you may have an idea of what you don’t want. Fine! Work from that end. It’s nice to take other people’s desires into consideration but on your wedding day YOU come first.

The most important thing to remember is to seek a minister who is willing to work with you. Maybe you want lots of prayers or maybe you don’t want any prayers. Every person has their own viewpoint, including the minister, but it should not infringe on yours. After all it’s YOUR wedding and above all you want it to reflect your tastes, wishes and desires.

I strongly suggest meeting the minister face to face in a personal consultation or at least speaking with them on the phone to see if you’re compatible. You always have options and you always have choices. Choose the minister you want to say the “magic words” to pronounce you husband and wife.

Ceremony of Champions

This is a good example of how a ceremony can be written to celebrate any occasion, an accomplishment, or any life-affirming event.

Priscilla (fictitious name) had been through chemo, radiation, a double mastectomy, and reconstructive surgery - and had become cancer free! Her friends and family wanted to celebrate her, her struggles, her life and her victories. They had been there for her, cried, laughed, baked bread, brought food, watched movies, and prayed.

At the same time, all of them had walked through their own fires of hell at some point in their lives, separately and together. In considering such a ceremony, it also caused everyone involved to internally reflect on what they had overcome to achieve their own personal victories in life, and they realized in their hearts that they were all champions, because they had gotten through those challenges and grown from them. They all needed - and deserved - to be appreciated and celebrated! A place was chosen, a date was set. Each person was asked to bring a small symbol of themselves or their accomplishments.

That night, when all were assembled, we opened with a prayer of gratitude for everyone present. One by one, each person in turn came to the “altar” to place their symbol and tell their story. Many tissues were passed among the circle.

We entered into a guided meditation in preparation for the Burning Bowl, to help reveal the next blocks that each person needed to release in order to move on to the next phase of their life. After the meditation, the obstacles were recorded on paper, taken outside, and placed in the fire as a sign of willingness to let go of fears, frustrations, and self criticisms.

The group reassembled, with each person receiving the gift of a candle with a personal message. As each gift was opened, the message was shared, thoughts were shared, hugs were shared. Again, the tissues were passed around the circle.

The ceremony ended with a heartfelt prayer, but the celebration continued with food, drink, and camaraderie!

Life is to live, to experience, and to celebrate.

Wedding Rings - the Tradition

One of the earliest symbols of marriage, and one that we still use today, is the wedding ring. You may well ask, “But how did it start?”

Centuries ago in Egypt, rings were twisted or braided from reeds - the same reeds from which Egyptian “paper” or papyrus was made. Since a ring (or circle) has no beginning and no end, it represented eternity. The center hole symbolized things known and unknown. When a lover gave a ring, it was in the hopes that the love would be eternal, without end, like the ring. The problem was that the reed ring would only last about a year at best.

When metal was introduced, iron became the chosen material. The ring now had the added symbol of strength. The strong man gave his woman the iron ring so their love would have the strength of iron. But, eventually the iron ring rusted.

Before coinage, the legal tender was gold rings. If a man gave a woman a gold ring, it proved that he trusted her with his wealth. The chosen woman would wear the marriage ring on the third finger of the left hand because it was believed that a vein traveled from that finger directly to the heart.

Along comes Maxmillian, the Archduke of Austria. He desired Mary of Burgundy as his wife and wanted to give her a gift she couldn’t refuse. Upon consulting his counselors, he was advised to give her a diamond ring. He did. She accepted. And thus, the precedent was set for diamond rings as engagement rings.

Many gems were rare, but the diamond was chosen because it was the stone of Venus, the Goddess of Love – and rightly so, because the brilliant diamond carried a fire in its depths that would go on forever.

However, diamonds were so rare that they were only available to the very rich, until the 1800’s, when a huge diamond mine was discovered in South Africa. Several decades later, in the 1900’s, a method was devised to cut the stones in little pieces and mass market them to the general public. Now it was possible for almost anyone to buy a diamond ring. It might be miniscule, but it WAS a diamond - proof of unending love.

In this fast-changing world, I wonder when it will become common for women to give men diamond engagement rings?

The Sand Ceremony

A very popular addition to wedding services is the Sand Ceremony. It’s usually performed by the bride and groom, each having a vial of sand of their chosen color, and pouring it at the same time into some sort of a container. You may have heard about it or seen it performed. It’s very symbolic in that each person, represented by their color of sand, is willing to pour themselves forth to be joined by the other person, represented by their color of sand, to create a new color, a new item, a new family.

At least that’s the basic idea of the ceremony.

Whenever someone mentions Sand Ceremony, I immediately think of this one particular couple. If you asked their names, I would have to say Barbie and Ken. (You remember Barbie & Ken!?) She was thin, lithe, blond and beautiful. He was gorgeous, so handsome in his perfectly fitted tux. Standing together, they were radiant; fairly glowing in their love for each other.

Fast forward to the “sand” time in the ceremony. They gracefully process to the small, draped, table that holds her vial of blue sand to represent peace and his vial of red sand to represent love, or passion. Together they pick up their vials, together they start pouring and mingling their sand. And then I notice that his hand is still poised but no longer tipping. She keeps pouring, then realizes he isn’t, looks up at him and down again at the vial. He returns her look and smiles, letting a few grains of sand fall. She continues to pour. He holds his own, so to speak.

Again, she lovingly looks up at him and down at the vial. Again he lets a few more grains of sand fall. A few more desperate darts of her eyes back and forth, forth and back. Now she is out of sand.

Dump, goes his sand. The last half vial of bright red sand squarely sits on top of hers. Exactly what is he trying to tell her? Maybe he feels that his passion is enough to overcome any obstacle. Maybe the sand was damp and wouldn’t pour. I don’t know. I didn’t ask.

The Sand Ceremony usually works out very nicely and the couple has a new, beautiful container filled with a symbol of their union which they put in a place of honor in their new home.

This ceremony may also be written to include the parents. But I’ll leave that story for another blog, another time.