Freedom

Every summer we celebrate our independence, our freedom. We make lots of noise by shooting off fireworks and invite great crowds of people to watch us do it. To make sure we remember we’re free we created a holiday called the Fourth of July, less we forget.

Forgetting seems to be a popular way of life. So many people live their lives in a perpetual state of forgetfulness. We’re reminded once a year to be thankful, to give gifts, to send cards, to say “I love you”, to remember our mother and our father.

OK. So we get busy and forget things. But it appears to me that what we’re forgetting is what really matters and what we actually fill our days with is insignificant.

Let’s go back to the original thought of freedom. How free are you? What is freedom anyway? I’m talking about true freedom on the inside like the freedom of a small child. Think about it. When a child is hungry it eats. When a child has had enough to eat it stops eating.

The fact that you may have been slaving away all day to prepare their food is not in their consciousness. As a result, they feel no guilt. They’re full, they stop. Sure we could try to force them to “have a little more, its good for you.” They know it isn’t.

My son and 2 of his friends created the Fun Cult. The three of them were all full adults at the time and realized how seldom people felt free enough to simply play. All games have rules so they made up 3 rules which were: 1, have fun. 2, if your fun is getting in the way of someone else’s fun go have your fun somewhere else. 3, safety. They were adamant about the order. Fun first.

You may worry about what people are going to say if you’re going around being free and having fun all the time. Speaking from experience, I’ll tell you what people will say. They’ll say, “I wish I could do that.”

Being free and living a life of freedom is a state of mind. It has nothing to do with money, job, position, health, wealth or family ties. It has nothing to do with education or lack of one or the 3 r’s – reading, riting, rithmetic.

I’ll tell you what freedom is not. Freedom is not ugly, boring, hurtful, hateful, gory, garish or unkind. Freedom is not putting yourself down and not putting anyone else down either. Freedom is taking care of yourself, loving yourself just as you are, bumps, warts, bags and sags.

Freedom is lifting up, dancing in the rain, laughing at the clouds, spinning in circles if you want to spin in circles. Freedom is being truthful with kindness. Freedom is taking turns which means that sometimes you do come first. Freedom is sharing without short changing yourself.

Freedom starts with me. Same as everything else in my world. When I let myself be free it also gives you permission to be free. When you’re free you give permission for her to be free. When she’s free she gives permission for him to be free. When he and she and them and those are free, well, we’re talking the whole world here aren’t we. And to think it all started with me being free. Who knew?

These Are The Hands

Have you ever given much thought to your hands? I mean besides noticing they’re dry or rough and reaching for the lotion. Well, I was thinking about mine and not only what they do for me but how many times hands are referred to in everyday speech.

“Give me a hand” really means that I’d like your help with this, whereas “Give her a hand!” probably means to applaud the lady. OK, applaud is often said as, “Put your hands together now…” to show that you liked or agreed with what the person did or said.

How about “show me your hands”? That depends on who said it. Was it a cop or a mom? “You’re pretty handy” is a complement for completing a project of some kind from knitting to decorating a cake to hanging a picture or tearing down a wall.

Two sayings come to mind – “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” warns you not to hurt the very person who is helping you, and, “The only way to hold onto love is with an open hand” which translates to when you truly love someone you’ll give them the freedom to live their own life while you’re living your life to the fullest.

What picture comes to mind when I say:

• Take my hand
• Hold you in my hands
• Strong hands
• Tiny hands
• Hold hands
• Loving hands
• Hand of compassion
• Gentle hands
• Shake hands
• Shaking hands

In many of the weddings I write the couples request a Hand Holding or a Hand Fasting ceremony (2 totally different additions). Brides and grooms want to exalt hands because that is often and usually the first form of physical contact made between two people and they want to honor their first contact.

Let me share with you one of the poems I use in a hand holding ceremony. I did not originally write this and truthfully have no idea who did, but, here it is. You may want to incorporate it into your wedding ceremony.

These Are The Hands

These are the hands that will work along side you as together you build your future.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.
These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief temporarily comes your way.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will give you support and encouragement to chase down your dreams.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.
These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.
These are the hands that will lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into eyes that are filled with love for you.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.

And so, my friend, if I can ever be of service to you, I extend to you my hand.

The Perfect Wedding

Many, many people strive for perfection. Some claim that it can’t be reached. I say, it depends upon your definition of perfection. I’ll tell you a true story.

Somewhere between a few years back and a long time ago, my daughter decided to get married in a traditional way – white gown, bridal party, church wedding, dinner, and a reception with music and dancing. This is what we took as our tradition; the tradition of our personal culture.

Her father and I had been divorced for several years, had ignored our differences and could actually speak politely to each other. He had agreed to help pay for the wedding with certain stipulations. One of his requests was that only he would walk our daughter down the aisle, not both of us as our daughter had wanted.

He did walk her down the aisle, just the two of them. We moved me over a little in the picture and I escorted my two ring bearing grandsons down the aisle. Both my daughter and I felt fine about the arrangement.

He had a few other “rules and regulations” about the affair which could have put a dent in the festivities if we gave them the power to do so.

I could see how the event was starting to shape up and which could culminate in arguments and hurt feelings. So I took the bull by the horns and changed my mind right then and there. I decided that this was going to be a Perfect Wedding no matter what happened.

And it was!

Let me repeat that. I decided that it would be a perfect wedding and it was.

Looking back on that day, there were several incidents which could have spoiled the event but I had already made my decision and stuck with it. I was going to be happy. I was going to have a good time. I was going to enjoy myself. I could still take care of issues and problems. I could still get called off the dance floor to settle a question or solve a predicament (and I was).

In fact, I went to the extreme in my imagination and visioned myself dancing in a beautiful dress and someone ripping my dress off on the dance floor! In my mind, I kept right on dancing and smiling. I had decided that nothing, no thing and no one would have the power to mar the celebration.

It was a perfect day. It was a perfect wedding.

You can have the same. Decide that whatever happens, it will be perfect. Laugh at whatever comes up and keep on dancing. It will be perfect!

The Beauty of The Dance

Let’s talk a moment about life. I love to use analogies. To me life is like a dance.

There is a popular show on TV called “Dancing With the Stars”. You may have seen it. You may be one of the fans that watch it every week. When you simply watch the dancing you’re really not aware of all the hard work that goes into it. Done right the dance flows and looks easy.

You may look at someone else’s life and say the same. “Well, that’s easy for them to do, but, I could never do that, be that, act like that, etc.”

Everyone has their own way of dancing, their own style. We all have our own way of living, our own steps we take to accomplish a task.

To get back to life being like a dance – it never just goes in a straight line. At the very least it goes in a circle taking in the whole room. A dance never is completely still. There is always movement and the movement varies from a small step or a flutter of a hand, to a twirl, or a spin, or a dip.

Like life, dancing goes backward and forward, side to side. Sometimes you get your feet stepped on but you don’t punch the other person out because they stepped on your toes. You move away and keep dancing.

You may even fall down on the dance floor. What then? Do you lie there and moan making a fuss or do you get up again, dust yourself off and keep dancing?

I remember when I was taking Salsa lessons. The advanced members of the class were invited to be filmed while dancing in a beautiful lobby of a huge theater. Of course I went. I loved dancing plus the opportunity to dance in this particular building added to the excitement of being filmed.

There was a little flaw in my thinking. I was expecting a dance floor. Have you ever tried to slide or spin on a carpet? It doesn’t happen. Obviously, I must have had a huge scowl on my face showing all the complaints running around in my head. How could anyone dance under these conditions? What idiot put this mess together? Who on earth _________? Fill in the blank.

After one or two “not fun” dances no one wanted to dance with me. Hmmm, I wonder why? Things were not going my way and I was miffed to say the least.

Ever have a day like that? Of course. We all do. I did say life was like a dance.

Life is all about what you make of it. When the dance of life sweeps you off your feet, get up, dust your self off, find the beat, and start dancing again. if you just sit there on the dance floor you may get trampled by the dancers and then you’ll wonder what happened. Life happened while you weren’t looking.

Dance. However you dance will be beautiful because it’s your dance.

The Three Great Love Enders

You find someone. You fall in love. The world is beautiful. And then one day you wake up to find yourself in bed with the evil twin. What happened? How did this relationship get so difficult?

There are 3 main reasons that love is squeezed to death and relationships end.

1. Neediness
2. Expectations
3. Jealousy

Let’s take the first one, neediness. The thought of neediness can drive you to cling, grab, demand and attempt to possess. Doesn’t sound like true love to me. Sounds like a prison.

Love is not a trade-off as in “you do this for me and I’ll do this for you”. Love is giving freely without requirements, stipulations or restrictions. Love is not a make-over as in needing your mate to look a certain way, be a particular weight, act in a prescribed manner, or have long or short hair. What attracted you in the first place? Build on that.

What you think you need from your mate is exactly what you need to give to your mate. And when you give, give freely. If there are strings attached you’re not giving you’re bargaining or conniving or worse – manipulating.

Needs lead right into expectations, the second love ender. Any kind of an expectation sets you up for a disappointment. Even if you get what you expected you wonder and worry if it will last, if it’s real or will it be this good the next time which expands into the next expectation. And the noose gets tighter.

Let me clear something up here. You can have a preference. You can have an intention. You can establish a goal. You can strive as hard as you want to reach it. The key is to accept the outcome; even if the outcome is not what you expected. Go on from there. Accept instead of expect.

Love is holding someone in an open palm. Jealousy is a death grip. Jealousy arises when you don’t trust someone; when you have expectations that are not being fulfilled; when you need them to give you all of their attention. Do you see how this all goes around in a vicious circle?

Being jealous of someone and trying to keep them in a loving relationship is like coating a football with a thick layer of grease. The more you grab, the faster it will slip away.

What you want from someone, from a relationship is exactly what you have to give, what you have to invest in the relationship. Yes, consider it an investment because you’ll get out of it exactly what you are putting into it.

If you want to be trusted you have to trust. If you want freedom you have to give freedom. If you want understanding you have to be understanding. And if you want acceptance you have to accept yourself. Let me say that again. If you want acceptance you have to accept yourself.

Love starts with you. Love yourself for who you are right now, bulges, bumps and warts. Start right now to appreciate the miracle that you are. Forgive yourself for all of your learning experiences for that is what mistakes really are – learning experiences.

When you can accept yourself as you are you’ll find the freedom to be the person you want to be. When you have the freedom to be who you truly are you will easily allow that freedom to extend into all of your relationships.

Let me know how you’re doing. I’d like to hear from you.

How To Write a Wedding Ceremony

You may be thinking about writing your own wedding ceremony and wondering what needs to be in it to pronounce you husband and wife. Here it is – you both have to want to marry the other person, admit it, and accept the other person as your spouse.

If you also want the marriage to be legal, you have to have a valid marriage license (see the requirements on another page), have a qualified Officiant present and have it all witnessed by 2 living people.

That is it! Everything else is fluff. There are no magic words. You can say “I do” anyway you want.

Some religions say you have to do it a certain way. If you want to get married in that religion then that’s the way you have to do it. If you don’t want to have those particular words said then you can find another way and have the ceremony some place else. If you insist on getting married in a church, there are churches that will rent their space. A wedding does not have to be in a church, temple, or any specific place to make it holy, sacred, or legal.

If you would like to know how a traditional wedding service goes so that you have an outline to work with, I’ll give you the outline. Just know that you can change any part and move items around to suit yourself. It’s your ceremony.

You start the actual ceremony with the Convocation which is also called the Welcome. That calls everyone together and tells them that they are there because the two of you love each other so much that you want to be married.

The Invocation calls on God, Universal Love, Radiant Presence, or highest dimension of self to place the participants in a reflective and receptive state.

Personal stories, honoring of people who could not attend which is also called a Memorial, and asking “who gives this woman to this man in marriage” is next. You could also have one or more parents light candles at this time.

A Reading of prose, poetry, Bible verse, a contemporary or original writing may be read by someone you would like to honor, or a live singer could dedicate a song to you. (I don’t recommend a recorded version.)

Now comes my favorite part called the Address. It’s where I get to say my blah-de-blah about all the important things you should know before you go any further.

Another reading, additional ceremony, or song could be added here.

If you’re spiritual you may want to include the Consecration which brings the service to a sacred level.

The Expression of Intent is one of the primary factors. It’s when the couple publicly states the intention of their commitment to marriage.

The following 3 components could be combined or be separate: the Blessing or Presentation of the Rings, the Vows, and the Exchange of Rings.

A word about the vows – a vow is what each one of you is offering or promising to the other. If you want to write your own vow, think about what this marriage to this person means to you. What are you offering of yourself to the marriage?

There must also be a place where each person is asked if they, in fact, accept the other person as their spouse, their mate, their partner. Yes, you do have to give them a moment to think about it and answer.

The rings are a token of the vows and a symbol of the love that is shared between two people. A ring is a circle which has no beginning and no end which represents the thought that giving and receiving are the same.

The Pronouncement of Marriage is the public declaration of the formal bonding of husband and wife.

The Kiss, which is most important, seals the deed (so make it a good one).

To round it all out is the Final Blessing or Benediction. This can also be spoken by someone you wish to honor by having them take part in the ceremony.

The Announcement of Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so could be added, saved for the reception or proclaimed in both places.

You can also include all kinds of extra special ceremonies like sand pouring, hand holding or hand fasting, candle lighting, wishing stones, coins, broom jumping, glass breaking, bread eating, flower sharing, etc. You could add something special and unique to the two of you. Just give your Officiant an idea of what you want and she will invent a new tradition for you.

This is the bottom line – it is your wedding, have it as you wish. It will be the Perfect Ceremony for you.

A Conversation With God

I’ve been reading Neale Donald Walsch’s book, “Friendship with God”. Neale is the one who wrote the original “Conversations with God” books.

I had my own conversation with God this morning as I sat in meditation. I saw myself “baring my soul” standing before God, wondering why I wasn’t making more of myself, why I wasn’t “advancing” more rapidly, asking how I could be bigger-better-stay-centered-longer, etc.

God listened and then stepped inside of me to have a look around. His reply was, “Everything looks fine to me. Nothing wrong here. Nothing to be fixed.”

He invited me to sit down at this little round café table and have a cup of coffee; to take a moment to chat. I’m not going to argue with God! I like coffee. I can sit and chat; take a moment with my BFF.

God talked to me in pictures. She showed me myself scrambling up a mountain, slipping in mud and sliding down. The frame froze while she looked at me. The unspoken questions were: What now? What are you going to do? What does this mean?

The answer was, “When you find yourself sliding around in mud, play in the mud and enjoy yourself”! If you find yourself up to your ears, splash around and make the best of it – the absolute BEST of it. You have the free choice to laugh or cry. Why, in heaven’s name, would you cry when you can laugh? Why struggle when you can play?

I remember a scene from a Harry Potter movie where Harry, Hermione, and Ron fell down a hole and were entangled in roots that were trying to choke them. Ron was fighting with all of his might to get out and only succeeded in being choked tighter.

Hermione kept saying to relax, relax. As she gave up any thoughts of struggle and relaxed her mind and muscle, she slipped right through the roots to freedom. It seems that struggle only begets more struggle. Or, what you resist persists.

God was telling me that I was fine; there was no thing wrong with me, my situation, or anyone else for that matter. Make the BEST of where you are. Embrace the moment. Love it and forgive it (and yourself too). Above all enjoy yourself. Joy is God’s middle name.

How To Be Happy

There’s a novel idea! Be Happy. Easy enough to say isn’t it? I’ll tell you a little secret that most people either don’t know or don’t believe. Here it is. Each and every morning that you wake up take a moment to decide, right there and then, what kind of a day you would like to have.

That’s it. You can actually decide or choose to be happy. Set the tone of the day right away before something happens to deter you from your goal. Once you have made the decision, stick with it.

Something happened to me the other day that almost knocked me off my feet. If I hadn’t already decided to have a great day I would have been really peeved. (Mildly put, of course.) I was about to explode when I looked at the situation from another point of view and loudly proclaimed, “HAH”. That sounded enough like a laugh to force me to say it again and again until I was actually laughing.

Needless to say, that really took the sting out of the situation. Laugh your tears away. It gets rid of them for good.

If you pause for a moment and think of sitcoms on TV that make you laugh and think again about YOU being in that very same scene having the catastrophe happening to you, you probably wouldn’t laugh at the time. BUT, you might laugh later in the telling of the story.

I love well done slap-stick. One of my favorite movie scenes from “My Cousin Vinny” is when Vinny, played by Joe Pecci, gets out of his convertible after spending the night sleeping in the car in the rain. This was the morning of the day that he had to appear impeccably dressed in front of the judge. Needless to say as soon as his foot came out of the car it landed in a huge mud puddle. For a second he was airborne and then landed flat on his back in the mud. I fell off the couch laughing so hard.

To make matters worse, when he tried to stand up he only flipped over face first in the mud so there wasn’t a clean speck on him. The only way to avoid dieing on the spot is to laugh long, loud and hard at yourself. I would be willing to wager that they had a grand time filming that segment.

Before you pooh-pooh the whole idea, try it. It only has to work once, even for half a day, for you to try it again. What’s the alternative? And why, in the name of heaven, would you purposely choose a rotten day?

Be brave. Take a stand. Why get yanked around by a chain that someone else is holding and pulling? If you are here living a life you may as well enjoy yourself. It’s been said that laughter is the best medicine. It is the cheapest and is guaranteed to make you feel better.

I don’t know about you, but, I’m having a great day! I woke up on the right side of the grass.