Premarital Counseling

I’ve noticed lately that more couples are asking about pre-marital counseling. It’s always a good idea to get everything out in the open and sometimes we need a little help looking inside to see what is there.

The first question I ask couples when they come to me for counseling is, “Why do you want to get married?” And believe me, “Because we’re in love” is not a good enough answer. There are many couples who love each other dearly and at the same time simply can not manage to live together.

Most parents love their children deeply but really would prefer not to live with them their whole entire lives. You may be sad when a child leaves home but it’s often best for all concerned when they do.

So, why do you want to get married? To allow you to live together legally or to have legal control over another person is an answer but do you want that kind of life? Really?

Look inside yourself and ask, “What is my motive? What is the foundation of this relationship?” If you don’t know or aren’t sure, keep looking. It’s okay to ask for help in this area and most essential to be honest with yourself.

Let me give you an analogy. If you were going to build a house to live in, you first have to lay the foundation. In order to lay the foundation, you have to know what the foundation will have to support. You don’t need steel I-beams and thick cement to build an 8x10 wood shed. You do need more than a few 2x4s laid on the ground to support a 10 story building.

What is your purpose for getting married? What is your most inner motive?

Marriage is not about sacrifice or compromise or doing without or what you can put up with. If you’re focusing on what you’re going to lose you aren’t considering what you are going to gain or become in creating a new family.

We often refer to a husband or a wife as a mate. In Australia, a mate is a best friend. When you have a best friend, you take care of them, you love them as they are (without trying to change them or make them better). You accept their faults as well as their good points. You can also give them a good talking to when they need it without fear of them running away or you getting poked.

My best advise it to treat your mate as your best and closest friend. Be honest. Take care of them. Don’t put up with anything hurtful. Treat them like you want to be treated. Have no expectations. Love them exactly as they are right now. And treat yourself the same way. Being your own best friend teaches you how to be a best friend to someone else, to your mate.

Personalize Your Ceremony

Besides writing your own vows and talking about how you met and what you plan for your married life, you could also consider any of the 8 enhancements I have already written about: candle lighting, sand pouring, honoring parents or mothers, giving the rose of love, adding a healing or blessing, including children and wishing stones.

Two others are becoming very popular at the moment. They are Hand Fasting and Sharing Wine together. Both come from ancient traditions.

Let me say something about that right now – ancient traditions. Many of today’s weddings are bi-cultural as well as interfaith marriages. Consider what is in your ancestry. What makes up your family’s history? What have you ever dreamed of including in your wedding? Now is the time to bring it forward. It’s YOUR ceremony!

Hand Fasting is where the expression “tie the knot” came from. Although today when I’m including it in the ceremony, I simply drape the ribbon(s) across the couple’s hands for a few moments.

Hand Fasting is often preceded by a Hand Holding, where the couple joins hands while gazing into each other’s eyes as I read a poem about love or about hands. At this point there are usually a few sniffles heard around the room. (And I always carry a clean handkerchief to hand to the bride OR groom when necessary.)

The vows can also be spoken during the Hand Fasting. First the groom would be asked a question like “will you honor this woman all the days of your life?” Then the bride is asked a similar question i.e. “will you honor this man all the days of your life?” Then one ribbon is draped with the words, “And so the binding is made” pronounced by me.

There are usually 4 to 6 questions and ribbons draped. The ribbons can reflect the colors chosen for the wedding. It’s all very beautiful and coordinated.

If you’re more of an Earth oriented nature the ribbons could be draped while each of the directions are mentioned as in Native American or similar traditions.

Sharing Wine is always fun and can be done several ways. Instead of having a bottle of wine, I suggest a carafe of wine or 2 carafes, one for the groom and one for the bride. If one glass is used, they would each pour their wine into the common glass. The glass could be offered to or held for the other.

Or two glasses could be used. The groom would pour his wine into the bride’s glass and she would pour her wine into his glass. They could intertwine arms as they drink.

What’s in your ancestry – wearing kilts, giving coins, jumping brooms, drawing circles, flower wreaths, breaking a glass or plate, floating candles, or something entirely different? You could create a new tradition!