The Three Great Love Enders

You find someone. You fall in love. The world is beautiful. And then one day you wake up to find yourself in bed with the evil twin. What happened? How did this relationship get so difficult?

There are 3 main reasons that love is squeezed to death and relationships end.

1. Neediness
2. Expectations
3. Jealousy

Let’s take the first one, neediness. The thought of neediness can drive you to cling, grab, demand and attempt to possess. Doesn’t sound like true love to me. Sounds like a prison.

Love is not a trade-off as in “you do this for me and I’ll do this for you”. Love is giving freely without requirements, stipulations or restrictions. Love is not a make-over as in needing your mate to look a certain way, be a particular weight, act in a prescribed manner, or have long or short hair. What attracted you in the first place? Build on that.

What you think you need from your mate is exactly what you need to give to your mate. And when you give, give freely. If there are strings attached you’re not giving you’re bargaining or conniving or worse – manipulating.

Needs lead right into expectations, the second love ender. Any kind of an expectation sets you up for a disappointment. Even if you get what you expected you wonder and worry if it will last, if it’s real or will it be this good the next time which expands into the next expectation. And the noose gets tighter.

Let me clear something up here. You can have a preference. You can have an intention. You can establish a goal. You can strive as hard as you want to reach it. The key is to accept the outcome; even if the outcome is not what you expected. Go on from there. Accept instead of expect.

Love is holding someone in an open palm. Jealousy is a death grip. Jealousy arises when you don’t trust someone; when you have expectations that are not being fulfilled; when you need them to give you all of their attention. Do you see how this all goes around in a vicious circle?

Being jealous of someone and trying to keep them in a loving relationship is like coating a football with a thick layer of grease. The more you grab, the faster it will slip away.

What you want from someone, from a relationship is exactly what you have to give, what you have to invest in the relationship. Yes, consider it an investment because you’ll get out of it exactly what you are putting into it.

If you want to be trusted you have to trust. If you want freedom you have to give freedom. If you want understanding you have to be understanding. And if you want acceptance you have to accept yourself. Let me say that again. If you want acceptance you have to accept yourself.

Love starts with you. Love yourself for who you are right now, bulges, bumps and warts. Start right now to appreciate the miracle that you are. Forgive yourself for all of your learning experiences for that is what mistakes really are – learning experiences.

When you can accept yourself as you are you’ll find the freedom to be the person you want to be. When you have the freedom to be who you truly are you will easily allow that freedom to extend into all of your relationships.

Let me know how you’re doing. I’d like to hear from you.

Burning Bowl

Burning Bowl is a releasing ceremony that could be done at any time, at the completion of a year or during a prenuptial party. Simply put, you write down what you want to release and you burn the paper.

Too simple?

Think about that for a moment. You travel through life, day after day, and sooner or later you’re going to do something that you wished you hadn’t, or you develop a habit that is now annoying, or you hold a grudge, or you hurt someone or yourself. Personally, I don’t have to think too long to find something that I wish wasn’t a part of me, my thinking pattern, my life, or my personality.

Granted, writing something down and burning up the paper is not going to physically do much more than making a pile of ashes. But, symbolism carries a mighty punch: shaking hands, giving a hug, waving a whole hand, or just one finger. They’re all symbols that lead you to feel a certain way.

In order to write something down on this paper, you have to think about what you want to release. What bugs you about yourself? You’ll never know if you don’t stop and think. And don’t give me that “I don’t want to stop and I don’t want to think” routine! If you don’t take out the garbage your house is going to smell. If you don’t clear out your mind occasionally, your thoughts will stink as well.

So, the first part of the process is to stop and quiet yourself, pull in your energies and breathe consciously. This is also called “centering.” You’re not doing any thinking yet, you’re settling in and preparing yourself. No thinking yet, just breathing and being quiet. You may want to close your eyes or play some soft music to help you relax and gather your thoughts.

Take your time. Let me repeat that. Take your time. You have all the time there is. If you’re rushing, one of your problems may be rushing. Give yourself a break. No pushing, pulling, kicking or screaming either.

Do you want to be calmer? Want more patience? Release what makes you frustrated. Want more happiness? Release what makes you sad. Some days you have to decide to be happy and not leave it to chance. If you get upset, choose again.

When you think of something that you don’t want to do, or have, or be anymore, write that item down on your paper. Go on to the next thought and write that down.Take whatever time you need. This is your time for you.

The next step is to actually burn the paper. Only burn the paper – not your fingers, sleeve, table or house. Choose a safe receptacle in a safe place, preferably outside. Have water ready or a wet towel in case of an accident.

As you light the paper mentally release the thoughts that are written. Give yourself another chance to make amends, to be a little different, to grow and expand in wisdom and integrity. Make sure the paper is completely burned and the fire is out before you walk away.

No, burning the paper will not make you better, richer, taller or thinner. What it will do is to help you bring to mind what would benefit you to change in your life. You can’t rectify anything that you won’t acknowledge. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Finally, go celebrate! You’ve done some very good work. Congratulate yourself. You are your own best friend. Treat yourself kindly and say nice things to the person looking back at you every morning in the mirror. The Burning Bowl ceremony could be performed singly, in a group setting, by itself, combined, or within another ceremony.

Live life to the fullest. It's yours to enjoy.