Because I Love You

I was visiting a friend of mine who is a nut about putting things away but could care less about a few dust bunnies. On the other hand, his partner of 15 years doesn’t mind things out of place but is a clean freak.  (The things you find out when you’re in someone’s home!)

And how did I find out this mole hill of information that could easily become Mt. Everest?  Well, I’ll tell you.  We had walked into the kitchen and right there on the floor was a stray sock.  My friend picked it up, looked at me and said, “I love him enough to take care of this for him.”

That blew me away.  In fact, it blew me back to the previous century.  Two other friends of mine were in a business together.  Businesses are so much like a marriage.  Their business happened to be a boat yard which required someone to take charge of the office, handle orders and matters involving paper work, and someone to be outside to govern placement of boats in and out of the water and following through on work orders. One was great inside and one was great outside.

Perfect, you might say. Nope! The one who was outside would complain that his partner was always sitting down and talking on the phone. The inside man would complain that his partner was always walking around “shooting the breeze”.

I’ve seen that in marriages too especially when one is sloppy and the other neat.   Like the famous Odd Couple.  How do you deal with that?

How do YOU deal with that (or something similar)?  Do you pick up after your mate, suffer and complain about it? Or do you pick up as an act of love? To pursue that point a little further, do you expect a favor in return or do you know, deep down inside, that you are taken care of too and loved for what you are?

I’ve listened to couples bickering, each one telling their story. The amazing part is that both are complaining about the same issue.  “I do all the work.” “What do you ever do for me?”

Why am I writing about this and posting it on a site that advocates marriage?  Marriage includes living together.  Living together exposes differences. Differences need to be accepted and dealt with. Key word is accepted.

Marriage is all about Love.  Love is accepting a person exactly the way they are.  I repeat, exactly the way they are. Right here. Right now.  To quote a line from one of my ceremonies, “Marriage is accepting the incompleteness, imperfections and hidden surprises of the other.”

You offer your whole self to your marriage partner.  You take your partner in marriage in their entirety.  You send out love you’ll get love back. You send out control and you’ll get rebuttal. You send out expectations you’ll get disappointments. You send out acceptance and you ACCEPT YOURSELF the way you are and you’ll be accepted.

I have a friend whom I have never heard say an arbitrary word about her husband. I asked her how she deals with day to day issues like picking up, taking out the garbage, cooking, etc. What arrangements did they make and what process was used to come to an agreement?

I wish you could have seen the look on her face.  I was not speaking Russian or Greek.  She had to mull over the question to figure out what I was asking.  Her answer as to how and why the marriage worked so well was….. (are you ready for this?) “Simple. When either of us sees something that needs doing, we do it.”

They don’t keep score. They don’t make rules. They don’t have expectations. And there you have the best advice for a long, lived, happy marriage.  When either of you sees something that needs doing, do it.

“I love him enough to __________ for him.”  Fill in the blank.

As Unique As You

You’re getting married to the one person in the world who is totally right for you. You’re not the same, of course, but compatible enough and different enough to bring both longevity and excitement to your marriage. The day is fast approaching when you will be pronounced husband and wife. What will that special ceremony be like?

Keep in mind, that the few requirements are very simple – you both want to be married, you both want to be married to each other, you both want to be married to each other on the wedding date chosen, and you both agree to all of that. All the rest is fluff. You can do or say or sing whatever you like, or dance and wear a cake on your head if that’s what will make your day memorable.

What does the Officiant of choice offer to you? Can they make up a ceremony that is strictly unique to you and perhaps never before done? In other words, can you work with this person and feel comfortable to ask them what they know or if they will “do it your way”?

Many couples like to include a Unity Candle. You can have a candle with one wick and both of you light it at the same time. You can have one candle with two wicks and each light your own. How about having 2 pillar candles tied together? The candles could be different colors or the same color. They could be tied with a sash, twine, wide to narrow ribbon, two different color ribbons or many ribbons woven or braided together.

Wait! I’m not finished. The mothers could light your personal tapers at the start of the ceremony to symbolize giving you birth by lighting your light. You would use those candles to light the Unity Candle (of choice) and then leave your own candle lit to represent that you will continue as a whole person as you deepen your relationship with each other.

If there are children involved they could be included in the candle lighting. There is a beautifully choreographed move, quickly taught, in which all of you light the wick at exactly the same time that symbolizes all of you becoming one family. Or for something totally different, use floating candles.

And that’s just exploring the possibilities of candle lighting.

When the couples that I marry want to include sand pouring to represent themselves becoming one as the grains of sand mix and mingle to become inseparable I suggest they each choose their own particular color. At the appropriate time, as they are about to pour and blend the sand, I speak of each color, what it means and how it perfectly represents the person.

The sand pouring is a great ceremony to add when children are involved. They each have their own color which has its own meaning. Each child is called by name and their virtues made known.

In one wedding I performed, both the bride and groom had 3 sons ranging in age from 6 to 12 which meant 8 people would be pouring sand. (Could be a masterpiece or could be a mess!) With a little planning and a lot of rehearsing it was a masterpiece. I’ll tell you how we engineered it.

Each one knew their color and exactly where it would be placed on the oblong table. The ornamental bowl was in the middle. The bride stood at the left end of the table, the groom stood at the right end of the table. Her 3 boys stood at one length of the table and his 3 boys on the other side of the table.

The father/groom poured half of his sand and the mother/bride poured half of her sand into the ornamental bowl. As each boy’s name was called he poured all of his sand into the bowl. When all the boys had their turn, the bride and groom poured their remaining sand at the same time into the bowl. I’m sure you understand the symbolism. It was a magnificent masterpiece! We concluded with a hand holding ceremony in which all 8 of them formed a circle around the table by holding each other’s hand while a poem was read.

There are dozens and dozens of ceremonies you can include to have a uniquely you wedding. Without going into detail there is water pouring and drinking, wine pouring and drinking, glass breaking, wishing stones, broom jumping, giving of coins, several with flowers, roses being a favorite.

You can add Memorials to call to mind and honor those that have passed on. A Memorial may also be for those who cannot attend for whatever reason. There are many versions of Parental Honoring and others in praise of mothers.

The above barely skims the surface. In this year of possibilities there is no end to the list of ways to personalize your ceremony in the manner in which suits you best. Just ask and you shall receive.

The Three Great Love Enders

You find someone. You fall in love. The world is beautiful. And then one day you wake up to find yourself in bed with the evil twin. What happened? How did this relationship get so difficult?

There are 3 main reasons that love is squeezed to death and relationships end.

1. Neediness
2. Expectations
3. Jealousy

Let’s take the first one, neediness. The thought of neediness can drive you to cling, grab, demand and attempt to possess. Doesn’t sound like true love to me. Sounds like a prison.

Love is not a trade-off as in “you do this for me and I’ll do this for you”. Love is giving freely without requirements, stipulations or restrictions. Love is not a make-over as in needing your mate to look a certain way, be a particular weight, act in a prescribed manner, or have long or short hair. What attracted you in the first place? Build on that.

What you think you need from your mate is exactly what you need to give to your mate. And when you give, give freely. If there are strings attached you’re not giving you’re bargaining or conniving or worse – manipulating.

Needs lead right into expectations, the second love ender. Any kind of an expectation sets you up for a disappointment. Even if you get what you expected you wonder and worry if it will last, if it’s real or will it be this good the next time which expands into the next expectation. And the noose gets tighter.

Let me clear something up here. You can have a preference. You can have an intention. You can establish a goal. You can strive as hard as you want to reach it. The key is to accept the outcome; even if the outcome is not what you expected. Go on from there. Accept instead of expect.

Love is holding someone in an open palm. Jealousy is a death grip. Jealousy arises when you don’t trust someone; when you have expectations that are not being fulfilled; when you need them to give you all of their attention. Do you see how this all goes around in a vicious circle?

Being jealous of someone and trying to keep them in a loving relationship is like coating a football with a thick layer of grease. The more you grab, the faster it will slip away.

What you want from someone, from a relationship is exactly what you have to give, what you have to invest in the relationship. Yes, consider it an investment because you’ll get out of it exactly what you are putting into it.

If you want to be trusted you have to trust. If you want freedom you have to give freedom. If you want understanding you have to be understanding. And if you want acceptance you have to accept yourself. Let me say that again. If you want acceptance you have to accept yourself.

Love starts with you. Love yourself for who you are right now, bulges, bumps and warts. Start right now to appreciate the miracle that you are. Forgive yourself for all of your learning experiences for that is what mistakes really are – learning experiences.

When you can accept yourself as you are you’ll find the freedom to be the person you want to be. When you have the freedom to be who you truly are you will easily allow that freedom to extend into all of your relationships.

Let me know how you’re doing. I’d like to hear from you.

Are You Up or Down?

Normally, I’m full of energy, happy, and believing I can handle anything that comes up in my life. Last week I had an off day. Followed by another which was followed by yet another. One day, ok, we all have off days. But by the fourth day of being lethargic, no motivation, no apparent creativity flowing through my veins, I started looking at what was wrong with me. I couldn’t figure me out.

Finally, I came across the perfect solution. I was looking in the wrong direction.

Where are you looking when you’re driving a car? You’re looking in front of you, of course. You may check your mirrors and glance from side to side but basically you look straight ahead. You have to concentrate on where you are at the moment, where you are on the road now. Not the street you just pulled out of or the street you drove on yesterday. You plan on where you’re going and drive paying attention to where you are.

When you don’t pay attention to what you are currently doing you may very well be involved in an accident.

When I was having so many off days and accidents, I wasn’t paying attention to not getting enough sleep, for one thing. I forgot how important full nights of sleep were.

When I started searching for what I was doing wrong or neglecting in my life I obliterated what was right; disremembering all the good stuff.

You most probably have heard the saying, “Count your blessings”. That was exactly what the cure was. I started to count, number, and add up all that I have. I’m talking abundance. Profound abundance!

There is plenty of air. I’ll never run out of fresh air. All the faucets work in my house so I have plenty of clean water. The roof over my head is solid, no leaks; walls are tight so no drafts. There is food in the refrigerator, freezer, pantry and cabinets, plus pots to cook in and plates to put the food on when it’s done. Then I can sit on a chair at a table to eat.

I have friends who are like family and family who are friends.

You get the idea. If you woke up on the right side of the grass, you have something to be thankful for. Make your own list and add 5 new items for which you are thankful every day. It’s called a Gratitude Journal.

Freedom to Choose Again

The spiritual world, as you would imagine, occupies a fair percentage of my thinking, pondering and contemplating. And it seems to me that this life, this world, is all about choices, i.e. this or that, up or down, light or dark, peace or pain. But, isn’t that what this world, Earth, is all about? Duality. Left and right, hot and cold, night and day, ebb and flow, you and me.

We came here to experience choices. We are so loved and so free that we can choose whatever we want to experience. And change our mind at any time – I might add. Change our mind at any time. We have the freedom to choose again.

Let’s bring that down a little closer. We choose how to handle each moment. We can get irritated when a driver cuts us off in traffic or goes too slow in front of us or we can excuse them because they didn’t know we were in a hurry. I can’t control the other driver but I can control my thoughts about them.

We could choose to be insulted by a remark or not accept the thought into our consciousness. We can turn off the tickle button so we don’t have to writhe on the floor and be in painful laughter (which isn’t funny).

We could pause and hold a door for the person behind us or let it slam in their face. We always have a choice AND we can always choose again and again.

This world is based on time. We can use it to our advantage or let it diminish us. I have the freedom to be blind or to see into my brothers, past their masks and fears and into the deepest corners of their hearts where love lives; where the presence of God is whole and complete, perfect in every way.

How will I choose today? What will I choose to experience?

Jeshua could see the wheat already ripe even as the plant was beginning to grow. He knew the perfection that was and is at the core of every person; that same perfection that was and is in Him. He chose to see health instead of sickness, life instead of death, wholeness, joy, peace, kindness, and love. He simply choose what He wanted to experience. And then did.

No matter what choice I make, I can always choose again and again and again. I have that freedom and so do you.