Because I Love You

I was visiting a friend of mine who is a nut about putting things away but could care less about a few dust bunnies. On the other hand, his partner of 15 years doesn’t mind things out of place but is a clean freak.  (The things you find out when you’re in someone’s home!)

And how did I find out this mole hill of information that could easily become Mt. Everest?  Well, I’ll tell you.  We had walked into the kitchen and right there on the floor was a stray sock.  My friend picked it up, looked at me and said, “I love him enough to take care of this for him.”

That blew me away.  In fact, it blew me back to the previous century.  Two other friends of mine were in a business together.  Businesses are so much like a marriage.  Their business happened to be a boat yard which required someone to take charge of the office, handle orders and matters involving paper work, and someone to be outside to govern placement of boats in and out of the water and following through on work orders. One was great inside and one was great outside.

Perfect, you might say. Nope! The one who was outside would complain that his partner was always sitting down and talking on the phone. The inside man would complain that his partner was always walking around “shooting the breeze”.

I’ve seen that in marriages too especially when one is sloppy and the other neat.   Like the famous Odd Couple.  How do you deal with that?

How do YOU deal with that (or something similar)?  Do you pick up after your mate, suffer and complain about it? Or do you pick up as an act of love? To pursue that point a little further, do you expect a favor in return or do you know, deep down inside, that you are taken care of too and loved for what you are?

I’ve listened to couples bickering, each one telling their story. The amazing part is that both are complaining about the same issue.  “I do all the work.” “What do you ever do for me?”

Why am I writing about this and posting it on a site that advocates marriage?  Marriage includes living together.  Living together exposes differences. Differences need to be accepted and dealt with. Key word is accepted.

Marriage is all about Love.  Love is accepting a person exactly the way they are.  I repeat, exactly the way they are. Right here. Right now.  To quote a line from one of my ceremonies, “Marriage is accepting the incompleteness, imperfections and hidden surprises of the other.”

You offer your whole self to your marriage partner.  You take your partner in marriage in their entirety.  You send out love you’ll get love back. You send out control and you’ll get rebuttal. You send out expectations you’ll get disappointments. You send out acceptance and you ACCEPT YOURSELF the way you are and you’ll be accepted.

I have a friend whom I have never heard say an arbitrary word about her husband. I asked her how she deals with day to day issues like picking up, taking out the garbage, cooking, etc. What arrangements did they make and what process was used to come to an agreement?

I wish you could have seen the look on her face.  I was not speaking Russian or Greek.  She had to mull over the question to figure out what I was asking.  Her answer as to how and why the marriage worked so well was….. (are you ready for this?) “Simple. When either of us sees something that needs doing, we do it.”

They don’t keep score. They don’t make rules. They don’t have expectations. And there you have the best advice for a long, lived, happy marriage.  When either of you sees something that needs doing, do it.

“I love him enough to __________ for him.”  Fill in the blank.

Make Your Day

No, this is not a takeoff on Clint Eastwood.  But wait a minute.  If you think about Clint Eastwood, why is he so special? Even if you are not a huge fan of his, you have to admit that dude has lasted a long time in the movie business and is still going strong.

How does the C.E. concept relate to YOUR wedding and, more specifically, YOUR wedding ceremony?  Clint Eastwood puts his own spin, his own brand of acting, of thinking, on everything he does on the screen.  He considers all the details leaving nothing to chance verified by his directing expertise. 

Put it this way.  Mega time, effort and expense goes into the 4 hour time slot of Wedding Day but how much thought is put forth in creating the ceremony that produces the magic words to pronounce you wife and husband?

Did you notice how weird wife and husband sounded as opposed to husband and wife?  My point exactly.  It’s the details.  I used the same words but had the audacity to switch their order.  The details make the difference between blah and spectacular.

My goal is to see to it that you have a magnificently memorable perfect ceremony.  One that is perfect for you.  To achieve that masterpiece I ask questions.

There have been couples sitting on my comfy couch in my home office who were shocked at their mate’s response when I asked about including a particular component in the service.  At the same time, one would answer “no” and the other would say, “Absolutely YES” producing stupefying looks all around.


For example, recently there have been a few brides who wanted the question “Who gives this woman to this man in marriage?” asked at the beginning of the ceremony.  Usually the father desires that honor.  Sometimes both parents answer.   One woman had her 2 sons respond, “We do.” However, for the previous 10 years only a handful of brides requested the inclusion.  Traditions come back around.  Go figure!

That’s why I love my job.  Its such fun!  I revel in the pleasure of meeting new people with unique points of view.  My focus is always, “What do YOU want in your wedding ceremony?”  Sure, I have lots of ideas but that is all they are – my thoughts.  Those ideas and thoughts do not get incorporated into the service unless the bride and groom totally agree that to do so would reflect their ideals and be a part of their vision.

You could be one of many that have no idea what so ever of what a ceremony is all about, why it is necessary in the first place, and who cares anyway.

That would be like going to a florist and saying, “Send over some flowers.”  Well.  How many flowers, what kind, what budget, when, where…..etc.  Or, “Send me a dress to wear at my wedding.”  What size, length, color, style, price…..etc.


The florist, the dressmaker and I ask questions to determine what is suitable, which is the best plan of action, and most importantly, how can I best serve this couple. 

One more piece of advice – shop around.  You shop for flowers, invitations, dresses, music and every item under heaven.  Keep shopping.  Interview Officiants and Ministers.  Find the right one for you.  And BTW, the consultation should be free.  If it isn’t say, “Thank you very much” and hang up or leave if you’re already there.

Clint Eastwood and I go hand in hand in saying, “Make my day.”  You make my day by allowing me to make your day, when I create for you your Perfect Ceremony.

Go ahead.  Make Your Day.

Why Choose Me As Your Officiant?

There are many Officiants and Ministers around and about and I have no idea of what you are looking for.  What I can tell you is what I do, how I build a ceremony, and why.

My focus is always on the couple for whom I am creating the ceremony.  I have to know something about them, their beliefs, background, family, relationships, how they think, how, when and where they met and how they really feel about each other.

When I sit and talk to a couple for an hour it’s easy for me to determine where they are coming from and what they envision on their wedding day.  Not being one to trust my memory, I have created a form I fill out with them to cover the pertinent information.

Right off the bat, when I ask for their address, I know if they are living together which could open up an interesting conversation.

Another leading question is to inquire if their parents will attend the ceremony.  Then I know to ask if they want to honor the parents or mothers during the service or would a memorial be more appropriate.  Maybe one or all are remarried and, if so, are they all talking to each other? 

The next obvious item is about children.  There could be his, hers and theirs and will they attend?  If the children attend will they be included in the proceedings?  The usual recommendation is to include all children. However, in some instances, inclusion would not be for the highest good of all involved.

Are there favorite people, relatives or friends, who are not in the wedding party for one reason or another that the couple would wish to honor or mention somehow?  There are several ways that could be easily accomplished.  There could be a verbal tribute or a flower given as a gift; the person could come forward and read a verse, a personal poem, sing or play an instrument.

And we haven’t even gotten into the actual ceremony yet!

I have to say 2 things right here right now.  1, I love doing weddings.  I’ve been often told that my passion shows.  2, each and every fully personalized ceremony, written by me is not like any other ceremony that I have ever performed. 

Every thought, prayer, message, passage, poem, blessing and announcement must match the couple for whom I will pronounce husband and wife.  A marriage is a life changing event.  Even when the couple has been living together, something changes within them.  They are not and will never be the same again.  Ever.  This responsibility is serious and I definitely take it personally.

I have created brand new additions that fulfill a request from the bride or groom.  For instance – one bride wanted to create a time box to be opened on their first anniversary.  Another unique event was a surprise wedding when I appeared as another BBQ guest until the right time and then set the stage for the ceremony complete with wishing stones.

There have been several religions and cultures woven into a single wedding tapestry; prayers for atheists; house blessings incorporated and weddings that have followed funerals and national disasters.

Every component is weighed and measured to see if it fits the couple.  Parts are deleted, new ones created, phrases rewritten, words pondered over.  You should see the condition of my current thesaurus! It’s my most prized book.

When the realization dawned on me of what was constantly occurring, it became a new tag line: For a ceremony as unique as you!  And that is what I love to do. 

I love to meet with the couple.  Hear what they have to say.  Ask questions.  Listen some more.  Observe their interactions. Watch their reactions.  Add it all up using intuition as the common denominator.  All of the above is brought into a meditative state and out pops a brand new unique ceremony written with a passion that shines through the bride and groom and overflows to each and every guest.

There is no one in the world quite like you.  There is not another couple quite like you and your fiancé.  And YOU deserve a ceremony as unique as you!

The Perfect Wedding

Many, many people strive for perfection. Some claim that it can’t be reached. I say, it depends upon your definition of perfection. I’ll tell you a true story.

Somewhere between a few years back and a long time ago, my daughter decided to get married in a traditional way – white gown, bridal party, church wedding, dinner, and a reception with music and dancing. This is what we took as our tradition; the tradition of our personal culture.

Her father and I had been divorced for several years, had ignored our differences and could actually speak politely to each other. He had agreed to help pay for the wedding with certain stipulations. One of his requests was that only he would walk our daughter down the aisle, not both of us as our daughter had wanted.

He did walk her down the aisle, just the two of them. We moved me over a little in the picture and I escorted my two ring bearing grandsons down the aisle. Both my daughter and I felt fine about the arrangement.

He had a few other “rules and regulations” about the affair which could have put a dent in the festivities if we gave them the power to do so.

I could see how the event was starting to shape up and which could culminate in arguments and hurt feelings. So I took the bull by the horns and changed my mind right then and there. I decided that this was going to be a Perfect Wedding no matter what happened.

And it was!

Let me repeat that. I decided that it would be a perfect wedding and it was.

Looking back on that day, there were several incidents which could have spoiled the event but I had already made my decision and stuck with it. I was going to be happy. I was going to have a good time. I was going to enjoy myself. I could still take care of issues and problems. I could still get called off the dance floor to settle a question or solve a predicament (and I was).

In fact, I went to the extreme in my imagination and visioned myself dancing in a beautiful dress and someone ripping my dress off on the dance floor! In my mind, I kept right on dancing and smiling. I had decided that nothing, no thing and no one would have the power to mar the celebration.

It was a perfect day. It was a perfect wedding.

You can have the same. Decide that whatever happens, it will be perfect. Laugh at whatever comes up and keep on dancing. It will be perfect!

Dare To Be Different

I’ve been writing and performing some out-of-the-box weddings lately that are inspiring as well as unusual. I’ll tell you about a few of the most recent ones.

A man proposed to the love of his life in the morning. She called me shortly after noon to ask if I would do a wedding on short notice. They applied for and received their license and were married IN a lake that evening of the same day.

I’ll explain a little. The couple wanted a serene outdoor setting and chose one of NC’s beautiful near-by lakes. Attending the service would be the couple, her 2 children and 2 friends as witnesses. As soon as we arrived at the location, the children couldn’t resist the welcoming water, kicked off their shoes and waded in. They didn’t want to come out! So the bride took off her shoes (and pantyhose) and strolled in too. The groom decided it looked like a good idea, popped off his shoes, rolled up his pant legs and meandered in after them. There was no way I was going to stand on the shore so I joined the 4 of them in the water and we laughed all the way through the ceremony. The 2 witnesses dutifully recorded it all on film.

The next outdoor wedding was to take place in a magnificent garden complete with gazebo, pond, foot bridge, exotic flowers and manicured lawn. And then it started to sprinkle. We waited for awhile but the clouds insisted on kissing us with its moisture. The bride remained focused on her garden dream wedding. The chairs were wiped off, umbrellas provided and the wedding party processed in between the raindrops. No one really got wet, just delightfully cooled.

The very next day was a wedding in front of a log cabin. We still had clouds but their purpose was to shield the sun. This was another perfect nature setting. The green lawn sported white chairs draped with golden bows. The center aisle held a white carpet strewn with flower petals. At the end of the aisle stood an exquisite arch covered in flowers and positioned between 2 deep pink crepe myrtle trees in full bloom. On either side of the archway were 2 white columns standing as sentinels, topped with lacy ferns. The bride’s gown was elegant in its simplicity, gently decorated with pearls to match her single string pearl necklace. The ceremony included a hand fasting which extended into a hand holding ceremony. It was just the right touch without being overdone. After the service, a lavish feast of homemade treats was served on the back deck.

The point to remember is, “Whatever you can conceive can be achieved.” In my book, the impossible only takes a little longer.

Children In The Wedding Party

So, you’re thinking of having your 4 year old niece as the flower girl and your fiancé’s 5 year old twin nephews as ring bearers. After watching the children run around and rolling on the ground while they’re playing you’re having second thoughts. At the same time you don’t want to offend anyone in the family by not allowing the children walk down the aisle on your special day.

With a tiny bit of preparation it could work perfectly.

First off I highly recommend a rehearsal the day before the wedding. Children (and adults) feel much more secure knowing exactly where they are walking from, where they are walking to, where they will stand, how they will exit, and where they’ll go after they process out.

Second, have someone, who is not in the wedding party, assigned to the children. Sometimes when the child is very young the excitement can be overwhelming and they need to leave the room to be taken to a safe comfortable place where they can be calmed down. This seldom happens but it’s always nice to be prepared just in case.

Third, I favor the little ones sitting down after they walk in rather than standing up with the rest of the wedding party. However, at one wedding I performed, the 2 year old flower girl was the daughter of the Matron of Honor and the little one wanted to stand by her mother. Fine! The little girl simply got up from her chair, walked over to her mother and stood there, happy as could be. It was a nice added touch. It’s was better to let her stay then to try and convince her to take her seat.

Fourth, be prepared to go along with whatever the child or children would like to do (unless they’re screaming their heads off). Children are always cute no matter what they do (with the one screaming exception). At a recent wedding that I officiated at, the flower girl and the ring bearer started to walk in together as planned. But when the 4 year old boy saw the 6 year old flower girl dropping petals on the ground he stopped to pick them up and proceeded down the aisle after her, picking up each and every petal! When he finally reached the end of the aisle, he ran to his dad declaring, “Dad, I saved all the petals!!” Cute!

Fifth and most importantly, they are stepping outside of their box. Praise them and tell them what a great job they are doing and how important they are to the ceremony. They will never forget your sincere gratitude.

What is my guidance on having children in the wedding party? Go ahead. Be prepared. Give them directions. And let them be their beautiful, innocent selves.

What is necessary in a marriage ceremony?

Since we’re only talking about the ceremony itself, we’ll not go into the legal aspects. That’s another blog.

What is actually necessary is for the man to want to marry that woman, for the woman to want to marry that man and to agree for it to happen right then. That’s it. The rest of it is fluff.

That means that you get to have the whole, entire ceremony exactly as you want to have it. Fluff means you can play with “the rules”. You can be as solemn, as dignified, as creative and unique as you wish; even inject humor! Your only limits are if you belong to a particular church, religion, or sect that has specific rituals or wording that must be adhered to in the rules of that organization.

When you plan your own wedding ceremony, you can have a favorite person do a reading, sing or play a song, write your own meaningful vows, incorporate other ceremonies with the service (see my list under “Additional Ceremonies”), do a dance, release birds or balloons, have a theme wedding and include costumes for the bridal party or for everyone.

If you’re not sure of what you want you may have an idea of what you don’t want. Fine! Work from that end. It’s nice to take other people’s desires into consideration but on your wedding day YOU come first.

The most important thing to remember is to seek a minister who is willing to work with you. Maybe you want lots of prayers or maybe you don’t want any prayers. Every person has their own viewpoint, including the minister, but it should not infringe on yours. After all it’s YOUR wedding and above all you want it to reflect your tastes, wishes and desires.

I strongly suggest meeting the minister face to face in a personal consultation or at least speaking with them on the phone to see if you’re compatible. You always have options and you always have choices. Choose the minister you want to say the “magic words” to pronounce you husband and wife.