Because I Love You

I was visiting a friend of mine who is a nut about putting things away but could care less about a few dust bunnies. On the other hand, his partner of 15 years doesn’t mind things out of place but is a clean freak.  (The things you find out when you’re in someone’s home!)

And how did I find out this mole hill of information that could easily become Mt. Everest?  Well, I’ll tell you.  We had walked into the kitchen and right there on the floor was a stray sock.  My friend picked it up, looked at me and said, “I love him enough to take care of this for him.”

That blew me away.  In fact, it blew me back to the previous century.  Two other friends of mine were in a business together.  Businesses are so much like a marriage.  Their business happened to be a boat yard which required someone to take charge of the office, handle orders and matters involving paper work, and someone to be outside to govern placement of boats in and out of the water and following through on work orders. One was great inside and one was great outside.

Perfect, you might say. Nope! The one who was outside would complain that his partner was always sitting down and talking on the phone. The inside man would complain that his partner was always walking around “shooting the breeze”.

I’ve seen that in marriages too especially when one is sloppy and the other neat.   Like the famous Odd Couple.  How do you deal with that?

How do YOU deal with that (or something similar)?  Do you pick up after your mate, suffer and complain about it? Or do you pick up as an act of love? To pursue that point a little further, do you expect a favor in return or do you know, deep down inside, that you are taken care of too and loved for what you are?

I’ve listened to couples bickering, each one telling their story. The amazing part is that both are complaining about the same issue.  “I do all the work.” “What do you ever do for me?”

Why am I writing about this and posting it on a site that advocates marriage?  Marriage includes living together.  Living together exposes differences. Differences need to be accepted and dealt with. Key word is accepted.

Marriage is all about Love.  Love is accepting a person exactly the way they are.  I repeat, exactly the way they are. Right here. Right now.  To quote a line from one of my ceremonies, “Marriage is accepting the incompleteness, imperfections and hidden surprises of the other.”

You offer your whole self to your marriage partner.  You take your partner in marriage in their entirety.  You send out love you’ll get love back. You send out control and you’ll get rebuttal. You send out expectations you’ll get disappointments. You send out acceptance and you ACCEPT YOURSELF the way you are and you’ll be accepted.

I have a friend whom I have never heard say an arbitrary word about her husband. I asked her how she deals with day to day issues like picking up, taking out the garbage, cooking, etc. What arrangements did they make and what process was used to come to an agreement?

I wish you could have seen the look on her face.  I was not speaking Russian or Greek.  She had to mull over the question to figure out what I was asking.  Her answer as to how and why the marriage worked so well was….. (are you ready for this?) “Simple. When either of us sees something that needs doing, we do it.”

They don’t keep score. They don’t make rules. They don’t have expectations. And there you have the best advice for a long, lived, happy marriage.  When either of you sees something that needs doing, do it.

“I love him enough to __________ for him.”  Fill in the blank.

Make Your Day

No, this is not a takeoff on Clint Eastwood.  But wait a minute.  If you think about Clint Eastwood, why is he so special? Even if you are not a huge fan of his, you have to admit that dude has lasted a long time in the movie business and is still going strong.

How does the C.E. concept relate to YOUR wedding and, more specifically, YOUR wedding ceremony?  Clint Eastwood puts his own spin, his own brand of acting, of thinking, on everything he does on the screen.  He considers all the details leaving nothing to chance verified by his directing expertise. 

Put it this way.  Mega time, effort and expense goes into the 4 hour time slot of Wedding Day but how much thought is put forth in creating the ceremony that produces the magic words to pronounce you wife and husband?

Did you notice how weird wife and husband sounded as opposed to husband and wife?  My point exactly.  It’s the details.  I used the same words but had the audacity to switch their order.  The details make the difference between blah and spectacular.

My goal is to see to it that you have a magnificently memorable perfect ceremony.  One that is perfect for you.  To achieve that masterpiece I ask questions.

There have been couples sitting on my comfy couch in my home office who were shocked at their mate’s response when I asked about including a particular component in the service.  At the same time, one would answer “no” and the other would say, “Absolutely YES” producing stupefying looks all around.


For example, recently there have been a few brides who wanted the question “Who gives this woman to this man in marriage?” asked at the beginning of the ceremony.  Usually the father desires that honor.  Sometimes both parents answer.   One woman had her 2 sons respond, “We do.” However, for the previous 10 years only a handful of brides requested the inclusion.  Traditions come back around.  Go figure!

That’s why I love my job.  Its such fun!  I revel in the pleasure of meeting new people with unique points of view.  My focus is always, “What do YOU want in your wedding ceremony?”  Sure, I have lots of ideas but that is all they are – my thoughts.  Those ideas and thoughts do not get incorporated into the service unless the bride and groom totally agree that to do so would reflect their ideals and be a part of their vision.

You could be one of many that have no idea what so ever of what a ceremony is all about, why it is necessary in the first place, and who cares anyway.

That would be like going to a florist and saying, “Send over some flowers.”  Well.  How many flowers, what kind, what budget, when, where…..etc.  Or, “Send me a dress to wear at my wedding.”  What size, length, color, style, price…..etc.


The florist, the dressmaker and I ask questions to determine what is suitable, which is the best plan of action, and most importantly, how can I best serve this couple. 

One more piece of advice – shop around.  You shop for flowers, invitations, dresses, music and every item under heaven.  Keep shopping.  Interview Officiants and Ministers.  Find the right one for you.  And BTW, the consultation should be free.  If it isn’t say, “Thank you very much” and hang up or leave if you’re already there.

Clint Eastwood and I go hand in hand in saying, “Make my day.”  You make my day by allowing me to make your day, when I create for you your Perfect Ceremony.

Go ahead.  Make Your Day.

Wedding Vows

Many times when I ask couples during a consultation if they want to write their own vows I get that deer in a headlight look on at least one if not both faces.

If you think about what vows actually are meant to be its not that scary.  When you were first in love with each other and contemplating living together you thought all those wonderful thoughts that if you think about them again would make perfect vows.

Picture this:  You are facing the one you love, holding their hands, looking into eyes that you are sure are sending love to you.  What is it that you love about this person? How do you treat this person right now and are you willing to treat them the same tomorrow?  Are you willing to take care of them if they needed something or were sick?

Vows are not your life story.  They are about the present moment, how you feel toward this person you’re going to spend many hours, days and years with.  If you want your new life together to be happy, emphasize the positive and forget about the negative.

Still not getting any words or sentences popping up?  Let me give you a few more suggestions.  You may get an idea to jump start your creative process. Here are a few vows others have used….

1)  Before these witnesses I, _____________, vow to love you, __________, and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you, with all your faults and your strengths, as I offer myself to you with my faults and my strengths. I will help you when you need help, and will turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.

2)  I love you ______ with all my heart and soul, as you are everything that I could ever hope to find in a woman/man. You are loving, thoughtful, caring, smart, and beautiful/handsome in my eyes and your love always makes me feel like the happiest and luckiest man/woman alive. I am proud to have you as my life's partner and I promise that I will always be at your side, through good and bad, and give you everything that is in my power to grant to assure your health and happiness for as long as I live. I am yours forever.

3)  Today I will marry my friend, the one I will live with, dream with, and love. I, ____________, take you, __________, to be my husband/wife. From this day forward I will cherish you. I will look with joy down the path of our tomorrows knowing we will walk it together side by side, hand in hand and heart to heart.

4)  I, __________, promise to love you, ___________, above all others and to value your friendship as a precious gift. I look forward to raising our family and building our relationship under the care and guidance of God. I promise to stand beside you in sickness or health, in times of prosper and decline, in peace and in turmoil, as long as we both shall live.

5) Celtic wedding vow:
I pledge my love to you, and everything that I own.  I promise you the first bite of my meat and the first sip from my cup.  I pledge that your name will always be the name I cry aloud in the dead of night.  I promise to honor you above all others.  Our love is never-ending, and we will remain, forevermore, equals in our marriage.  This is my wedding vow to you.

6)  Irish wedding vow said by bride and groom together:
We swear by peace and love to stand,
Heart to heart and hand to hand.
Mark, O Spirit, and hear us not,
Confirming this our Sacred Vow.

7)  Traditional wedding vows:
I, _________, take thee, ________, for my lawful wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live.

You may find a smidge of inspiration in reading these plus there are more online. Just remember – they are YOUR vows, they don’t have to be the same as your mate’s.  Speak the words in your heart and your vows will be perfect.

These Are The Hands

Have you ever given much thought to your hands? I mean besides noticing they’re dry or rough and reaching for the lotion. Well, I was thinking about mine and not only what they do for me but how many times hands are referred to in everyday speech.

“Give me a hand” really means that I’d like your help with this, whereas “Give her a hand!” probably means to applaud the lady. OK, applaud is often said as, “Put your hands together now…” to show that you liked or agreed with what the person did or said.

How about “show me your hands”? That depends on who said it. Was it a cop or a mom? “You’re pretty handy” is a complement for completing a project of some kind from knitting to decorating a cake to hanging a picture or tearing down a wall.

Two sayings come to mind – “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” warns you not to hurt the very person who is helping you, and, “The only way to hold onto love is with an open hand” which translates to when you truly love someone you’ll give them the freedom to live their own life while you’re living your life to the fullest.

What picture comes to mind when I say:

• Take my hand
• Hold you in my hands
• Strong hands
• Tiny hands
• Hold hands
• Loving hands
• Hand of compassion
• Gentle hands
• Shake hands
• Shaking hands

In many of the weddings I write the couples request a Hand Holding or a Hand Fasting ceremony (2 totally different additions). Brides and grooms want to exalt hands because that is often and usually the first form of physical contact made between two people and they want to honor their first contact.

Let me share with you one of the poems I use in a hand holding ceremony. I did not originally write this and truthfully have no idea who did, but, here it is. You may want to incorporate it into your wedding ceremony.

These Are The Hands

These are the hands that will work along side you as together you build your future.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.
These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief temporarily comes your way.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will give you support and encouragement to chase down your dreams.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.
These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.
These are the hands that will lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into eyes that are filled with love for you.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.

And so, my friend, if I can ever be of service to you, I extend to you my hand.

How To Write a Wedding Ceremony

You may be thinking about writing your own wedding ceremony and wondering what needs to be in it to pronounce you husband and wife. Here it is – you both have to want to marry the other person, admit it, and accept the other person as your spouse.

If you also want the marriage to be legal, you have to have a valid marriage license (see the requirements on another page), have a qualified Officiant present and have it all witnessed by 2 living people.

That is it! Everything else is fluff. There are no magic words. You can say “I do” anyway you want.

Some religions say you have to do it a certain way. If you want to get married in that religion then that’s the way you have to do it. If you don’t want to have those particular words said then you can find another way and have the ceremony some place else. If you insist on getting married in a church, there are churches that will rent their space. A wedding does not have to be in a church, temple, or any specific place to make it holy, sacred, or legal.

If you would like to know how a traditional wedding service goes so that you have an outline to work with, I’ll give you the outline. Just know that you can change any part and move items around to suit yourself. It’s your ceremony.

You start the actual ceremony with the Convocation which is also called the Welcome. That calls everyone together and tells them that they are there because the two of you love each other so much that you want to be married.

The Invocation calls on God, Universal Love, Radiant Presence, or highest dimension of self to place the participants in a reflective and receptive state.

Personal stories, honoring of people who could not attend which is also called a Memorial, and asking “who gives this woman to this man in marriage” is next. You could also have one or more parents light candles at this time.

A Reading of prose, poetry, Bible verse, a contemporary or original writing may be read by someone you would like to honor, or a live singer could dedicate a song to you. (I don’t recommend a recorded version.)

Now comes my favorite part called the Address. It’s where I get to say my blah-de-blah about all the important things you should know before you go any further.

Another reading, additional ceremony, or song could be added here.

If you’re spiritual you may want to include the Consecration which brings the service to a sacred level.

The Expression of Intent is one of the primary factors. It’s when the couple publicly states the intention of their commitment to marriage.

The following 3 components could be combined or be separate: the Blessing or Presentation of the Rings, the Vows, and the Exchange of Rings.

A word about the vows – a vow is what each one of you is offering or promising to the other. If you want to write your own vow, think about what this marriage to this person means to you. What are you offering of yourself to the marriage?

There must also be a place where each person is asked if they, in fact, accept the other person as their spouse, their mate, their partner. Yes, you do have to give them a moment to think about it and answer.

The rings are a token of the vows and a symbol of the love that is shared between two people. A ring is a circle which has no beginning and no end which represents the thought that giving and receiving are the same.

The Pronouncement of Marriage is the public declaration of the formal bonding of husband and wife.

The Kiss, which is most important, seals the deed (so make it a good one).

To round it all out is the Final Blessing or Benediction. This can also be spoken by someone you wish to honor by having them take part in the ceremony.

The Announcement of Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so could be added, saved for the reception or proclaimed in both places.

You can also include all kinds of extra special ceremonies like sand pouring, hand holding or hand fasting, candle lighting, wishing stones, coins, broom jumping, glass breaking, bread eating, flower sharing, etc. You could add something special and unique to the two of you. Just give your Officiant an idea of what you want and she will invent a new tradition for you.

This is the bottom line – it is your wedding, have it as you wish. It will be the Perfect Ceremony for you.

What is necessary in a marriage ceremony?

Since we’re only talking about the ceremony itself, we’ll not go into the legal aspects. That’s another blog.

What is actually necessary is for the man to want to marry that woman, for the woman to want to marry that man and to agree for it to happen right then. That’s it. The rest of it is fluff.

That means that you get to have the whole, entire ceremony exactly as you want to have it. Fluff means you can play with “the rules”. You can be as solemn, as dignified, as creative and unique as you wish; even inject humor! Your only limits are if you belong to a particular church, religion, or sect that has specific rituals or wording that must be adhered to in the rules of that organization.

When you plan your own wedding ceremony, you can have a favorite person do a reading, sing or play a song, write your own meaningful vows, incorporate other ceremonies with the service (see my list under “Additional Ceremonies”), do a dance, release birds or balloons, have a theme wedding and include costumes for the bridal party or for everyone.

If you’re not sure of what you want you may have an idea of what you don’t want. Fine! Work from that end. It’s nice to take other people’s desires into consideration but on your wedding day YOU come first.

The most important thing to remember is to seek a minister who is willing to work with you. Maybe you want lots of prayers or maybe you don’t want any prayers. Every person has their own viewpoint, including the minister, but it should not infringe on yours. After all it’s YOUR wedding and above all you want it to reflect your tastes, wishes and desires.

I strongly suggest meeting the minister face to face in a personal consultation or at least speaking with them on the phone to see if you’re compatible. You always have options and you always have choices. Choose the minister you want to say the “magic words” to pronounce you husband and wife.