Because I Love You

I was visiting a friend of mine who is a nut about putting things away but could care less about a few dust bunnies. On the other hand, his partner of 15 years doesn’t mind things out of place but is a clean freak.  (The things you find out when you’re in someone’s home!)

And how did I find out this mole hill of information that could easily become Mt. Everest?  Well, I’ll tell you.  We had walked into the kitchen and right there on the floor was a stray sock.  My friend picked it up, looked at me and said, “I love him enough to take care of this for him.”

That blew me away.  In fact, it blew me back to the previous century.  Two other friends of mine were in a business together.  Businesses are so much like a marriage.  Their business happened to be a boat yard which required someone to take charge of the office, handle orders and matters involving paper work, and someone to be outside to govern placement of boats in and out of the water and following through on work orders. One was great inside and one was great outside.

Perfect, you might say. Nope! The one who was outside would complain that his partner was always sitting down and talking on the phone. The inside man would complain that his partner was always walking around “shooting the breeze”.

I’ve seen that in marriages too especially when one is sloppy and the other neat.   Like the famous Odd Couple.  How do you deal with that?

How do YOU deal with that (or something similar)?  Do you pick up after your mate, suffer and complain about it? Or do you pick up as an act of love? To pursue that point a little further, do you expect a favor in return or do you know, deep down inside, that you are taken care of too and loved for what you are?

I’ve listened to couples bickering, each one telling their story. The amazing part is that both are complaining about the same issue.  “I do all the work.” “What do you ever do for me?”

Why am I writing about this and posting it on a site that advocates marriage?  Marriage includes living together.  Living together exposes differences. Differences need to be accepted and dealt with. Key word is accepted.

Marriage is all about Love.  Love is accepting a person exactly the way they are.  I repeat, exactly the way they are. Right here. Right now.  To quote a line from one of my ceremonies, “Marriage is accepting the incompleteness, imperfections and hidden surprises of the other.”

You offer your whole self to your marriage partner.  You take your partner in marriage in their entirety.  You send out love you’ll get love back. You send out control and you’ll get rebuttal. You send out expectations you’ll get disappointments. You send out acceptance and you ACCEPT YOURSELF the way you are and you’ll be accepted.

I have a friend whom I have never heard say an arbitrary word about her husband. I asked her how she deals with day to day issues like picking up, taking out the garbage, cooking, etc. What arrangements did they make and what process was used to come to an agreement?

I wish you could have seen the look on her face.  I was not speaking Russian or Greek.  She had to mull over the question to figure out what I was asking.  Her answer as to how and why the marriage worked so well was….. (are you ready for this?) “Simple. When either of us sees something that needs doing, we do it.”

They don’t keep score. They don’t make rules. They don’t have expectations. And there you have the best advice for a long, lived, happy marriage.  When either of you sees something that needs doing, do it.

“I love him enough to __________ for him.”  Fill in the blank.

Make Your Day

No, this is not a takeoff on Clint Eastwood.  But wait a minute.  If you think about Clint Eastwood, why is he so special? Even if you are not a huge fan of his, you have to admit that dude has lasted a long time in the movie business and is still going strong.

How does the C.E. concept relate to YOUR wedding and, more specifically, YOUR wedding ceremony?  Clint Eastwood puts his own spin, his own brand of acting, of thinking, on everything he does on the screen.  He considers all the details leaving nothing to chance verified by his directing expertise. 

Put it this way.  Mega time, effort and expense goes into the 4 hour time slot of Wedding Day but how much thought is put forth in creating the ceremony that produces the magic words to pronounce you wife and husband?

Did you notice how weird wife and husband sounded as opposed to husband and wife?  My point exactly.  It’s the details.  I used the same words but had the audacity to switch their order.  The details make the difference between blah and spectacular.

My goal is to see to it that you have a magnificently memorable perfect ceremony.  One that is perfect for you.  To achieve that masterpiece I ask questions.

There have been couples sitting on my comfy couch in my home office who were shocked at their mate’s response when I asked about including a particular component in the service.  At the same time, one would answer “no” and the other would say, “Absolutely YES” producing stupefying looks all around.


For example, recently there have been a few brides who wanted the question “Who gives this woman to this man in marriage?” asked at the beginning of the ceremony.  Usually the father desires that honor.  Sometimes both parents answer.   One woman had her 2 sons respond, “We do.” However, for the previous 10 years only a handful of brides requested the inclusion.  Traditions come back around.  Go figure!

That’s why I love my job.  Its such fun!  I revel in the pleasure of meeting new people with unique points of view.  My focus is always, “What do YOU want in your wedding ceremony?”  Sure, I have lots of ideas but that is all they are – my thoughts.  Those ideas and thoughts do not get incorporated into the service unless the bride and groom totally agree that to do so would reflect their ideals and be a part of their vision.

You could be one of many that have no idea what so ever of what a ceremony is all about, why it is necessary in the first place, and who cares anyway.

That would be like going to a florist and saying, “Send over some flowers.”  Well.  How many flowers, what kind, what budget, when, where…..etc.  Or, “Send me a dress to wear at my wedding.”  What size, length, color, style, price…..etc.


The florist, the dressmaker and I ask questions to determine what is suitable, which is the best plan of action, and most importantly, how can I best serve this couple. 

One more piece of advice – shop around.  You shop for flowers, invitations, dresses, music and every item under heaven.  Keep shopping.  Interview Officiants and Ministers.  Find the right one for you.  And BTW, the consultation should be free.  If it isn’t say, “Thank you very much” and hang up or leave if you’re already there.

Clint Eastwood and I go hand in hand in saying, “Make my day.”  You make my day by allowing me to make your day, when I create for you your Perfect Ceremony.

Go ahead.  Make Your Day.

Wedding Vows

Many times when I ask couples during a consultation if they want to write their own vows I get that deer in a headlight look on at least one if not both faces.

If you think about what vows actually are meant to be its not that scary.  When you were first in love with each other and contemplating living together you thought all those wonderful thoughts that if you think about them again would make perfect vows.

Picture this:  You are facing the one you love, holding their hands, looking into eyes that you are sure are sending love to you.  What is it that you love about this person? How do you treat this person right now and are you willing to treat them the same tomorrow?  Are you willing to take care of them if they needed something or were sick?

Vows are not your life story.  They are about the present moment, how you feel toward this person you’re going to spend many hours, days and years with.  If you want your new life together to be happy, emphasize the positive and forget about the negative.

Still not getting any words or sentences popping up?  Let me give you a few more suggestions.  You may get an idea to jump start your creative process. Here are a few vows others have used….

1)  Before these witnesses I, _____________, vow to love you, __________, and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you, with all your faults and your strengths, as I offer myself to you with my faults and my strengths. I will help you when you need help, and will turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.

2)  I love you ______ with all my heart and soul, as you are everything that I could ever hope to find in a woman/man. You are loving, thoughtful, caring, smart, and beautiful/handsome in my eyes and your love always makes me feel like the happiest and luckiest man/woman alive. I am proud to have you as my life's partner and I promise that I will always be at your side, through good and bad, and give you everything that is in my power to grant to assure your health and happiness for as long as I live. I am yours forever.

3)  Today I will marry my friend, the one I will live with, dream with, and love. I, ____________, take you, __________, to be my husband/wife. From this day forward I will cherish you. I will look with joy down the path of our tomorrows knowing we will walk it together side by side, hand in hand and heart to heart.

4)  I, __________, promise to love you, ___________, above all others and to value your friendship as a precious gift. I look forward to raising our family and building our relationship under the care and guidance of God. I promise to stand beside you in sickness or health, in times of prosper and decline, in peace and in turmoil, as long as we both shall live.

5) Celtic wedding vow:
I pledge my love to you, and everything that I own.  I promise you the first bite of my meat and the first sip from my cup.  I pledge that your name will always be the name I cry aloud in the dead of night.  I promise to honor you above all others.  Our love is never-ending, and we will remain, forevermore, equals in our marriage.  This is my wedding vow to you.

6)  Irish wedding vow said by bride and groom together:
We swear by peace and love to stand,
Heart to heart and hand to hand.
Mark, O Spirit, and hear us not,
Confirming this our Sacred Vow.

7)  Traditional wedding vows:
I, _________, take thee, ________, for my lawful wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live.

You may find a smidge of inspiration in reading these plus there are more online. Just remember – they are YOUR vows, they don’t have to be the same as your mate’s.  Speak the words in your heart and your vows will be perfect.

Why Choose Me As Your Officiant?

There are many Officiants and Ministers around and about and I have no idea of what you are looking for.  What I can tell you is what I do, how I build a ceremony, and why.

My focus is always on the couple for whom I am creating the ceremony.  I have to know something about them, their beliefs, background, family, relationships, how they think, how, when and where they met and how they really feel about each other.

When I sit and talk to a couple for an hour it’s easy for me to determine where they are coming from and what they envision on their wedding day.  Not being one to trust my memory, I have created a form I fill out with them to cover the pertinent information.

Right off the bat, when I ask for their address, I know if they are living together which could open up an interesting conversation.

Another leading question is to inquire if their parents will attend the ceremony.  Then I know to ask if they want to honor the parents or mothers during the service or would a memorial be more appropriate.  Maybe one or all are remarried and, if so, are they all talking to each other? 

The next obvious item is about children.  There could be his, hers and theirs and will they attend?  If the children attend will they be included in the proceedings?  The usual recommendation is to include all children. However, in some instances, inclusion would not be for the highest good of all involved.

Are there favorite people, relatives or friends, who are not in the wedding party for one reason or another that the couple would wish to honor or mention somehow?  There are several ways that could be easily accomplished.  There could be a verbal tribute or a flower given as a gift; the person could come forward and read a verse, a personal poem, sing or play an instrument.

And we haven’t even gotten into the actual ceremony yet!

I have to say 2 things right here right now.  1, I love doing weddings.  I’ve been often told that my passion shows.  2, each and every fully personalized ceremony, written by me is not like any other ceremony that I have ever performed. 

Every thought, prayer, message, passage, poem, blessing and announcement must match the couple for whom I will pronounce husband and wife.  A marriage is a life changing event.  Even when the couple has been living together, something changes within them.  They are not and will never be the same again.  Ever.  This responsibility is serious and I definitely take it personally.

I have created brand new additions that fulfill a request from the bride or groom.  For instance – one bride wanted to create a time box to be opened on their first anniversary.  Another unique event was a surprise wedding when I appeared as another BBQ guest until the right time and then set the stage for the ceremony complete with wishing stones.

There have been several religions and cultures woven into a single wedding tapestry; prayers for atheists; house blessings incorporated and weddings that have followed funerals and national disasters.

Every component is weighed and measured to see if it fits the couple.  Parts are deleted, new ones created, phrases rewritten, words pondered over.  You should see the condition of my current thesaurus! It’s my most prized book.

When the realization dawned on me of what was constantly occurring, it became a new tag line: For a ceremony as unique as you!  And that is what I love to do. 

I love to meet with the couple.  Hear what they have to say.  Ask questions.  Listen some more.  Observe their interactions. Watch their reactions.  Add it all up using intuition as the common denominator.  All of the above is brought into a meditative state and out pops a brand new unique ceremony written with a passion that shines through the bride and groom and overflows to each and every guest.

There is no one in the world quite like you.  There is not another couple quite like you and your fiancé.  And YOU deserve a ceremony as unique as you!

Premarital Counseling

I’ve noticed lately that more couples are asking about pre-marital counseling. It’s always a good idea to get everything out in the open and sometimes we need a little help looking inside to see what is there.

The first question I ask couples when they come to me for counseling is, “Why do you want to get married?” And believe me, “Because we’re in love” is not a good enough answer. There are many couples who love each other dearly and at the same time simply can not manage to live together.

Most parents love their children deeply but really would prefer not to live with them their whole entire lives. You may be sad when a child leaves home but it’s often best for all concerned when they do.

So, why do you want to get married? To allow you to live together legally or to have legal control over another person is an answer but do you want that kind of life? Really?

Look inside yourself and ask, “What is my motive? What is the foundation of this relationship?” If you don’t know or aren’t sure, keep looking. It’s okay to ask for help in this area and most essential to be honest with yourself.

Let me give you an analogy. If you were going to build a house to live in, you first have to lay the foundation. In order to lay the foundation, you have to know what the foundation will have to support. You don’t need steel I-beams and thick cement to build an 8x10 wood shed. You do need more than a few 2x4s laid on the ground to support a 10 story building.

What is your purpose for getting married? What is your most inner motive?

Marriage is not about sacrifice or compromise or doing without or what you can put up with. If you’re focusing on what you’re going to lose you aren’t considering what you are going to gain or become in creating a new family.

We often refer to a husband or a wife as a mate. In Australia, a mate is a best friend. When you have a best friend, you take care of them, you love them as they are (without trying to change them or make them better). You accept their faults as well as their good points. You can also give them a good talking to when they need it without fear of them running away or you getting poked.

My best advise it to treat your mate as your best and closest friend. Be honest. Take care of them. Don’t put up with anything hurtful. Treat them like you want to be treated. Have no expectations. Love them exactly as they are right now. And treat yourself the same way. Being your own best friend teaches you how to be a best friend to someone else, to your mate.

Personalize Your Ceremony

Besides writing your own vows and talking about how you met and what you plan for your married life, you could also consider any of the 8 enhancements I have already written about: candle lighting, sand pouring, honoring parents or mothers, giving the rose of love, adding a healing or blessing, including children and wishing stones.

Two others are becoming very popular at the moment. They are Hand Fasting and Sharing Wine together. Both come from ancient traditions.

Let me say something about that right now – ancient traditions. Many of today’s weddings are bi-cultural as well as interfaith marriages. Consider what is in your ancestry. What makes up your family’s history? What have you ever dreamed of including in your wedding? Now is the time to bring it forward. It’s YOUR ceremony!

Hand Fasting is where the expression “tie the knot” came from. Although today when I’m including it in the ceremony, I simply drape the ribbon(s) across the couple’s hands for a few moments.

Hand Fasting is often preceded by a Hand Holding, where the couple joins hands while gazing into each other’s eyes as I read a poem about love or about hands. At this point there are usually a few sniffles heard around the room. (And I always carry a clean handkerchief to hand to the bride OR groom when necessary.)

The vows can also be spoken during the Hand Fasting. First the groom would be asked a question like “will you honor this woman all the days of your life?” Then the bride is asked a similar question i.e. “will you honor this man all the days of your life?” Then one ribbon is draped with the words, “And so the binding is made” pronounced by me.

There are usually 4 to 6 questions and ribbons draped. The ribbons can reflect the colors chosen for the wedding. It’s all very beautiful and coordinated.

If you’re more of an Earth oriented nature the ribbons could be draped while each of the directions are mentioned as in Native American or similar traditions.

Sharing Wine is always fun and can be done several ways. Instead of having a bottle of wine, I suggest a carafe of wine or 2 carafes, one for the groom and one for the bride. If one glass is used, they would each pour their wine into the common glass. The glass could be offered to or held for the other.

Or two glasses could be used. The groom would pour his wine into the bride’s glass and she would pour her wine into his glass. They could intertwine arms as they drink.

What’s in your ancestry – wearing kilts, giving coins, jumping brooms, drawing circles, flower wreaths, breaking a glass or plate, floating candles, or something entirely different? You could create a new tradition!

As Unique As You

You’re getting married to the one person in the world who is totally right for you. You’re not the same, of course, but compatible enough and different enough to bring both longevity and excitement to your marriage. The day is fast approaching when you will be pronounced husband and wife. What will that special ceremony be like?

Keep in mind, that the few requirements are very simple – you both want to be married, you both want to be married to each other, you both want to be married to each other on the wedding date chosen, and you both agree to all of that. All the rest is fluff. You can do or say or sing whatever you like, or dance and wear a cake on your head if that’s what will make your day memorable.

What does the Officiant of choice offer to you? Can they make up a ceremony that is strictly unique to you and perhaps never before done? In other words, can you work with this person and feel comfortable to ask them what they know or if they will “do it your way”?

Many couples like to include a Unity Candle. You can have a candle with one wick and both of you light it at the same time. You can have one candle with two wicks and each light your own. How about having 2 pillar candles tied together? The candles could be different colors or the same color. They could be tied with a sash, twine, wide to narrow ribbon, two different color ribbons or many ribbons woven or braided together.

Wait! I’m not finished. The mothers could light your personal tapers at the start of the ceremony to symbolize giving you birth by lighting your light. You would use those candles to light the Unity Candle (of choice) and then leave your own candle lit to represent that you will continue as a whole person as you deepen your relationship with each other.

If there are children involved they could be included in the candle lighting. There is a beautifully choreographed move, quickly taught, in which all of you light the wick at exactly the same time that symbolizes all of you becoming one family. Or for something totally different, use floating candles.

And that’s just exploring the possibilities of candle lighting.

When the couples that I marry want to include sand pouring to represent themselves becoming one as the grains of sand mix and mingle to become inseparable I suggest they each choose their own particular color. At the appropriate time, as they are about to pour and blend the sand, I speak of each color, what it means and how it perfectly represents the person.

The sand pouring is a great ceremony to add when children are involved. They each have their own color which has its own meaning. Each child is called by name and their virtues made known.

In one wedding I performed, both the bride and groom had 3 sons ranging in age from 6 to 12 which meant 8 people would be pouring sand. (Could be a masterpiece or could be a mess!) With a little planning and a lot of rehearsing it was a masterpiece. I’ll tell you how we engineered it.

Each one knew their color and exactly where it would be placed on the oblong table. The ornamental bowl was in the middle. The bride stood at the left end of the table, the groom stood at the right end of the table. Her 3 boys stood at one length of the table and his 3 boys on the other side of the table.

The father/groom poured half of his sand and the mother/bride poured half of her sand into the ornamental bowl. As each boy’s name was called he poured all of his sand into the bowl. When all the boys had their turn, the bride and groom poured their remaining sand at the same time into the bowl. I’m sure you understand the symbolism. It was a magnificent masterpiece! We concluded with a hand holding ceremony in which all 8 of them formed a circle around the table by holding each other’s hand while a poem was read.

There are dozens and dozens of ceremonies you can include to have a uniquely you wedding. Without going into detail there is water pouring and drinking, wine pouring and drinking, glass breaking, wishing stones, broom jumping, giving of coins, several with flowers, roses being a favorite.

You can add Memorials to call to mind and honor those that have passed on. A Memorial may also be for those who cannot attend for whatever reason. There are many versions of Parental Honoring and others in praise of mothers.

The above barely skims the surface. In this year of possibilities there is no end to the list of ways to personalize your ceremony in the manner in which suits you best. Just ask and you shall receive.

Freedom

Every summer we celebrate our independence, our freedom. We make lots of noise by shooting off fireworks and invite great crowds of people to watch us do it. To make sure we remember we’re free we created a holiday called the Fourth of July, less we forget.

Forgetting seems to be a popular way of life. So many people live their lives in a perpetual state of forgetfulness. We’re reminded once a year to be thankful, to give gifts, to send cards, to say “I love you”, to remember our mother and our father.

OK. So we get busy and forget things. But it appears to me that what we’re forgetting is what really matters and what we actually fill our days with is insignificant.

Let’s go back to the original thought of freedom. How free are you? What is freedom anyway? I’m talking about true freedom on the inside like the freedom of a small child. Think about it. When a child is hungry it eats. When a child has had enough to eat it stops eating.

The fact that you may have been slaving away all day to prepare their food is not in their consciousness. As a result, they feel no guilt. They’re full, they stop. Sure we could try to force them to “have a little more, its good for you.” They know it isn’t.

My son and 2 of his friends created the Fun Cult. The three of them were all full adults at the time and realized how seldom people felt free enough to simply play. All games have rules so they made up 3 rules which were: 1, have fun. 2, if your fun is getting in the way of someone else’s fun go have your fun somewhere else. 3, safety. They were adamant about the order. Fun first.

You may worry about what people are going to say if you’re going around being free and having fun all the time. Speaking from experience, I’ll tell you what people will say. They’ll say, “I wish I could do that.”

Being free and living a life of freedom is a state of mind. It has nothing to do with money, job, position, health, wealth or family ties. It has nothing to do with education or lack of one or the 3 r’s – reading, riting, rithmetic.

I’ll tell you what freedom is not. Freedom is not ugly, boring, hurtful, hateful, gory, garish or unkind. Freedom is not putting yourself down and not putting anyone else down either. Freedom is taking care of yourself, loving yourself just as you are, bumps, warts, bags and sags.

Freedom is lifting up, dancing in the rain, laughing at the clouds, spinning in circles if you want to spin in circles. Freedom is being truthful with kindness. Freedom is taking turns which means that sometimes you do come first. Freedom is sharing without short changing yourself.

Freedom starts with me. Same as everything else in my world. When I let myself be free it also gives you permission to be free. When you’re free you give permission for her to be free. When she’s free she gives permission for him to be free. When he and she and them and those are free, well, we’re talking the whole world here aren’t we. And to think it all started with me being free. Who knew?

These Are The Hands

Have you ever given much thought to your hands? I mean besides noticing they’re dry or rough and reaching for the lotion. Well, I was thinking about mine and not only what they do for me but how many times hands are referred to in everyday speech.

“Give me a hand” really means that I’d like your help with this, whereas “Give her a hand!” probably means to applaud the lady. OK, applaud is often said as, “Put your hands together now…” to show that you liked or agreed with what the person did or said.

How about “show me your hands”? That depends on who said it. Was it a cop or a mom? “You’re pretty handy” is a complement for completing a project of some kind from knitting to decorating a cake to hanging a picture or tearing down a wall.

Two sayings come to mind – “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” warns you not to hurt the very person who is helping you, and, “The only way to hold onto love is with an open hand” which translates to when you truly love someone you’ll give them the freedom to live their own life while you’re living your life to the fullest.

What picture comes to mind when I say:

• Take my hand
• Hold you in my hands
• Strong hands
• Tiny hands
• Hold hands
• Loving hands
• Hand of compassion
• Gentle hands
• Shake hands
• Shaking hands

In many of the weddings I write the couples request a Hand Holding or a Hand Fasting ceremony (2 totally different additions). Brides and grooms want to exalt hands because that is often and usually the first form of physical contact made between two people and they want to honor their first contact.

Let me share with you one of the poems I use in a hand holding ceremony. I did not originally write this and truthfully have no idea who did, but, here it is. You may want to incorporate it into your wedding ceremony.

These Are The Hands

These are the hands that will work along side you as together you build your future.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.
These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief temporarily comes your way.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will give you support and encouragement to chase down your dreams.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.
These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.
These are the hands that will lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into eyes that are filled with love for you.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.

And so, my friend, if I can ever be of service to you, I extend to you my hand.

The Perfect Wedding

Many, many people strive for perfection. Some claim that it can’t be reached. I say, it depends upon your definition of perfection. I’ll tell you a true story.

Somewhere between a few years back and a long time ago, my daughter decided to get married in a traditional way – white gown, bridal party, church wedding, dinner, and a reception with music and dancing. This is what we took as our tradition; the tradition of our personal culture.

Her father and I had been divorced for several years, had ignored our differences and could actually speak politely to each other. He had agreed to help pay for the wedding with certain stipulations. One of his requests was that only he would walk our daughter down the aisle, not both of us as our daughter had wanted.

He did walk her down the aisle, just the two of them. We moved me over a little in the picture and I escorted my two ring bearing grandsons down the aisle. Both my daughter and I felt fine about the arrangement.

He had a few other “rules and regulations” about the affair which could have put a dent in the festivities if we gave them the power to do so.

I could see how the event was starting to shape up and which could culminate in arguments and hurt feelings. So I took the bull by the horns and changed my mind right then and there. I decided that this was going to be a Perfect Wedding no matter what happened.

And it was!

Let me repeat that. I decided that it would be a perfect wedding and it was.

Looking back on that day, there were several incidents which could have spoiled the event but I had already made my decision and stuck with it. I was going to be happy. I was going to have a good time. I was going to enjoy myself. I could still take care of issues and problems. I could still get called off the dance floor to settle a question or solve a predicament (and I was).

In fact, I went to the extreme in my imagination and visioned myself dancing in a beautiful dress and someone ripping my dress off on the dance floor! In my mind, I kept right on dancing and smiling. I had decided that nothing, no thing and no one would have the power to mar the celebration.

It was a perfect day. It was a perfect wedding.

You can have the same. Decide that whatever happens, it will be perfect. Laugh at whatever comes up and keep on dancing. It will be perfect!

The Beauty of The Dance

Let’s talk a moment about life. I love to use analogies. To me life is like a dance.

There is a popular show on TV called “Dancing With the Stars”. You may have seen it. You may be one of the fans that watch it every week. When you simply watch the dancing you’re really not aware of all the hard work that goes into it. Done right the dance flows and looks easy.

You may look at someone else’s life and say the same. “Well, that’s easy for them to do, but, I could never do that, be that, act like that, etc.”

Everyone has their own way of dancing, their own style. We all have our own way of living, our own steps we take to accomplish a task.

To get back to life being like a dance – it never just goes in a straight line. At the very least it goes in a circle taking in the whole room. A dance never is completely still. There is always movement and the movement varies from a small step or a flutter of a hand, to a twirl, or a spin, or a dip.

Like life, dancing goes backward and forward, side to side. Sometimes you get your feet stepped on but you don’t punch the other person out because they stepped on your toes. You move away and keep dancing.

You may even fall down on the dance floor. What then? Do you lie there and moan making a fuss or do you get up again, dust yourself off and keep dancing?

I remember when I was taking Salsa lessons. The advanced members of the class were invited to be filmed while dancing in a beautiful lobby of a huge theater. Of course I went. I loved dancing plus the opportunity to dance in this particular building added to the excitement of being filmed.

There was a little flaw in my thinking. I was expecting a dance floor. Have you ever tried to slide or spin on a carpet? It doesn’t happen. Obviously, I must have had a huge scowl on my face showing all the complaints running around in my head. How could anyone dance under these conditions? What idiot put this mess together? Who on earth _________? Fill in the blank.

After one or two “not fun” dances no one wanted to dance with me. Hmmm, I wonder why? Things were not going my way and I was miffed to say the least.

Ever have a day like that? Of course. We all do. I did say life was like a dance.

Life is all about what you make of it. When the dance of life sweeps you off your feet, get up, dust your self off, find the beat, and start dancing again. if you just sit there on the dance floor you may get trampled by the dancers and then you’ll wonder what happened. Life happened while you weren’t looking.

Dance. However you dance will be beautiful because it’s your dance.

The Three Great Love Enders

You find someone. You fall in love. The world is beautiful. And then one day you wake up to find yourself in bed with the evil twin. What happened? How did this relationship get so difficult?

There are 3 main reasons that love is squeezed to death and relationships end.

1. Neediness
2. Expectations
3. Jealousy

Let’s take the first one, neediness. The thought of neediness can drive you to cling, grab, demand and attempt to possess. Doesn’t sound like true love to me. Sounds like a prison.

Love is not a trade-off as in “you do this for me and I’ll do this for you”. Love is giving freely without requirements, stipulations or restrictions. Love is not a make-over as in needing your mate to look a certain way, be a particular weight, act in a prescribed manner, or have long or short hair. What attracted you in the first place? Build on that.

What you think you need from your mate is exactly what you need to give to your mate. And when you give, give freely. If there are strings attached you’re not giving you’re bargaining or conniving or worse – manipulating.

Needs lead right into expectations, the second love ender. Any kind of an expectation sets you up for a disappointment. Even if you get what you expected you wonder and worry if it will last, if it’s real or will it be this good the next time which expands into the next expectation. And the noose gets tighter.

Let me clear something up here. You can have a preference. You can have an intention. You can establish a goal. You can strive as hard as you want to reach it. The key is to accept the outcome; even if the outcome is not what you expected. Go on from there. Accept instead of expect.

Love is holding someone in an open palm. Jealousy is a death grip. Jealousy arises when you don’t trust someone; when you have expectations that are not being fulfilled; when you need them to give you all of their attention. Do you see how this all goes around in a vicious circle?

Being jealous of someone and trying to keep them in a loving relationship is like coating a football with a thick layer of grease. The more you grab, the faster it will slip away.

What you want from someone, from a relationship is exactly what you have to give, what you have to invest in the relationship. Yes, consider it an investment because you’ll get out of it exactly what you are putting into it.

If you want to be trusted you have to trust. If you want freedom you have to give freedom. If you want understanding you have to be understanding. And if you want acceptance you have to accept yourself. Let me say that again. If you want acceptance you have to accept yourself.

Love starts with you. Love yourself for who you are right now, bulges, bumps and warts. Start right now to appreciate the miracle that you are. Forgive yourself for all of your learning experiences for that is what mistakes really are – learning experiences.

When you can accept yourself as you are you’ll find the freedom to be the person you want to be. When you have the freedom to be who you truly are you will easily allow that freedom to extend into all of your relationships.

Let me know how you’re doing. I’d like to hear from you.

How To Write a Wedding Ceremony

You may be thinking about writing your own wedding ceremony and wondering what needs to be in it to pronounce you husband and wife. Here it is – you both have to want to marry the other person, admit it, and accept the other person as your spouse.

If you also want the marriage to be legal, you have to have a valid marriage license (see the requirements on another page), have a qualified Officiant present and have it all witnessed by 2 living people.

That is it! Everything else is fluff. There are no magic words. You can say “I do” anyway you want.

Some religions say you have to do it a certain way. If you want to get married in that religion then that’s the way you have to do it. If you don’t want to have those particular words said then you can find another way and have the ceremony some place else. If you insist on getting married in a church, there are churches that will rent their space. A wedding does not have to be in a church, temple, or any specific place to make it holy, sacred, or legal.

If you would like to know how a traditional wedding service goes so that you have an outline to work with, I’ll give you the outline. Just know that you can change any part and move items around to suit yourself. It’s your ceremony.

You start the actual ceremony with the Convocation which is also called the Welcome. That calls everyone together and tells them that they are there because the two of you love each other so much that you want to be married.

The Invocation calls on God, Universal Love, Radiant Presence, or highest dimension of self to place the participants in a reflective and receptive state.

Personal stories, honoring of people who could not attend which is also called a Memorial, and asking “who gives this woman to this man in marriage” is next. You could also have one or more parents light candles at this time.

A Reading of prose, poetry, Bible verse, a contemporary or original writing may be read by someone you would like to honor, or a live singer could dedicate a song to you. (I don’t recommend a recorded version.)

Now comes my favorite part called the Address. It’s where I get to say my blah-de-blah about all the important things you should know before you go any further.

Another reading, additional ceremony, or song could be added here.

If you’re spiritual you may want to include the Consecration which brings the service to a sacred level.

The Expression of Intent is one of the primary factors. It’s when the couple publicly states the intention of their commitment to marriage.

The following 3 components could be combined or be separate: the Blessing or Presentation of the Rings, the Vows, and the Exchange of Rings.

A word about the vows – a vow is what each one of you is offering or promising to the other. If you want to write your own vow, think about what this marriage to this person means to you. What are you offering of yourself to the marriage?

There must also be a place where each person is asked if they, in fact, accept the other person as their spouse, their mate, their partner. Yes, you do have to give them a moment to think about it and answer.

The rings are a token of the vows and a symbol of the love that is shared between two people. A ring is a circle which has no beginning and no end which represents the thought that giving and receiving are the same.

The Pronouncement of Marriage is the public declaration of the formal bonding of husband and wife.

The Kiss, which is most important, seals the deed (so make it a good one).

To round it all out is the Final Blessing or Benediction. This can also be spoken by someone you wish to honor by having them take part in the ceremony.

The Announcement of Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so could be added, saved for the reception or proclaimed in both places.

You can also include all kinds of extra special ceremonies like sand pouring, hand holding or hand fasting, candle lighting, wishing stones, coins, broom jumping, glass breaking, bread eating, flower sharing, etc. You could add something special and unique to the two of you. Just give your Officiant an idea of what you want and she will invent a new tradition for you.

This is the bottom line – it is your wedding, have it as you wish. It will be the Perfect Ceremony for you.

A Conversation With God

I’ve been reading Neale Donald Walsch’s book, “Friendship with God”. Neale is the one who wrote the original “Conversations with God” books.

I had my own conversation with God this morning as I sat in meditation. I saw myself “baring my soul” standing before God, wondering why I wasn’t making more of myself, why I wasn’t “advancing” more rapidly, asking how I could be bigger-better-stay-centered-longer, etc.

God listened and then stepped inside of me to have a look around. His reply was, “Everything looks fine to me. Nothing wrong here. Nothing to be fixed.”

He invited me to sit down at this little round café table and have a cup of coffee; to take a moment to chat. I’m not going to argue with God! I like coffee. I can sit and chat; take a moment with my BFF.

God talked to me in pictures. She showed me myself scrambling up a mountain, slipping in mud and sliding down. The frame froze while she looked at me. The unspoken questions were: What now? What are you going to do? What does this mean?

The answer was, “When you find yourself sliding around in mud, play in the mud and enjoy yourself”! If you find yourself up to your ears, splash around and make the best of it – the absolute BEST of it. You have the free choice to laugh or cry. Why, in heaven’s name, would you cry when you can laugh? Why struggle when you can play?

I remember a scene from a Harry Potter movie where Harry, Hermione, and Ron fell down a hole and were entangled in roots that were trying to choke them. Ron was fighting with all of his might to get out and only succeeded in being choked tighter.

Hermione kept saying to relax, relax. As she gave up any thoughts of struggle and relaxed her mind and muscle, she slipped right through the roots to freedom. It seems that struggle only begets more struggle. Or, what you resist persists.

God was telling me that I was fine; there was no thing wrong with me, my situation, or anyone else for that matter. Make the BEST of where you are. Embrace the moment. Love it and forgive it (and yourself too). Above all enjoy yourself. Joy is God’s middle name.

How To Be Happy

There’s a novel idea! Be Happy. Easy enough to say isn’t it? I’ll tell you a little secret that most people either don’t know or don’t believe. Here it is. Each and every morning that you wake up take a moment to decide, right there and then, what kind of a day you would like to have.

That’s it. You can actually decide or choose to be happy. Set the tone of the day right away before something happens to deter you from your goal. Once you have made the decision, stick with it.

Something happened to me the other day that almost knocked me off my feet. If I hadn’t already decided to have a great day I would have been really peeved. (Mildly put, of course.) I was about to explode when I looked at the situation from another point of view and loudly proclaimed, “HAH”. That sounded enough like a laugh to force me to say it again and again until I was actually laughing.

Needless to say, that really took the sting out of the situation. Laugh your tears away. It gets rid of them for good.

If you pause for a moment and think of sitcoms on TV that make you laugh and think again about YOU being in that very same scene having the catastrophe happening to you, you probably wouldn’t laugh at the time. BUT, you might laugh later in the telling of the story.

I love well done slap-stick. One of my favorite movie scenes from “My Cousin Vinny” is when Vinny, played by Joe Pecci, gets out of his convertible after spending the night sleeping in the car in the rain. This was the morning of the day that he had to appear impeccably dressed in front of the judge. Needless to say as soon as his foot came out of the car it landed in a huge mud puddle. For a second he was airborne and then landed flat on his back in the mud. I fell off the couch laughing so hard.

To make matters worse, when he tried to stand up he only flipped over face first in the mud so there wasn’t a clean speck on him. The only way to avoid dieing on the spot is to laugh long, loud and hard at yourself. I would be willing to wager that they had a grand time filming that segment.

Before you pooh-pooh the whole idea, try it. It only has to work once, even for half a day, for you to try it again. What’s the alternative? And why, in the name of heaven, would you purposely choose a rotten day?

Be brave. Take a stand. Why get yanked around by a chain that someone else is holding and pulling? If you are here living a life you may as well enjoy yourself. It’s been said that laughter is the best medicine. It is the cheapest and is guaranteed to make you feel better.

I don’t know about you, but, I’m having a great day! I woke up on the right side of the grass.